A Self-Hate Diary for Me by Me

August 27, 2015

I'm very indecisive...so please call me the queen of indecisiveness. I'm getting tired of it >.<. I'm going to try and be a bit more impulsive now. I also have to kill my overthinking process. Overthinking + indecisiveness = a mental breakdown (disaster!).

Anyways, I'm not sure why, but I'm in a fantastic mood to the point that I had a laughing fit in the bathroom for no apparent reason. It's great but I worry it won't last. Stay like this forever, please!

Now, let's talk about K-pop. The only group I currently love is BTS (Bangtan Sonyeondan/방탄소년단) This might seem trivial or kind of cheesy, but each member has in a way inspired me to try to be better (despite the fact I still have insecurities).

First, a list:

Rapmonster: Don't worry, I'm not rapping (I would suck), instead he has inspired me to try harder at self-studying Japanese/Korean. I heard he self-taught himself English (대박).

J-hope: Cliche as it is...I'm trying to be more hopeful because of J-hope. I'm also trying to be a happier person (I'm pessimistic at times). Perhaps I can try to be more flexible (breaking my back in the process).

Jin: This member is seen as the most handsome (although, I think all of them are cute/handsome). Anyway, I'm ugly, but I'm inspired by Jin to try to be beautiful inside and out. Due to my inferiority complex, I haven't taken care of myself too well, however, I want to change that!

Jungkook: Jungkook was born in 1997 the same year as me,, so I feel slight competition. He is actually older than me by a little over a month. To put it simply, I'm inspired to strive to improve and be better (But he is too perfect!)

V: Too funny and cute! I wish I was like that. He also has an innocence that I'm losing. I want to keep my innocence and naivete (well, not too much of it). V is friendly and nice to everyone and I want to be like that.

Jimin: Jimin seems to be one of the main dancers of the group. I like dancing but I can be lazy, so I want to try to be more inspired to dance at least for fun. (I'm not aiming for perfection, just satisfaction). He was also born in October, the same month as me so I feel a bit competitive.

Suga: Hmmmm...what to say? I'm not asking to have swag (I would fail miserably), but I desperately want confidence and Suga is overflowing with confidence (and possibly dosh arrogance?). But I like that! My inferiority complex has been strong in me since I was young, but I'm acting to be more confident and sure of myself. So seeing Suga and listening to his lyrics is good to remind me to be more self-confident.

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In conclusion, this may be stupid to you, but to me...it means a lot. I'm still new to BTS, so hopefully 3-5 years from now I won't think how idiotic I was looking up to idols in such a fangirly-type way. However, I really hope this isn't the case and that I can continue to love BTS (hopefully they won't screw themselves over with a scandal or something in the future...too harsh? I was kidding. Very very sorry! Seriously, I like all the boys in a younger sister kind of way (oppa) despite my inferiority, but like I said I hope to change and to be honest, I feel like I already am.