A Self-Hate Diary for Me by Me

18 January 2016 "Emotions"

(See inspiration for this journal entry here: https://coolcwer.wordpress.com/2009/03/15/ketsui-no-asa-ni-alternate-english-translation/)

Lately, I've felt that I've suppressed my actual feelings and self for so long that I've forgotten how to feel or do certain emotions. I also seem to be lost on who I am. When I do experience these lost emotions of mine, I fail to comprehend them and I can't come up with an appropriate reaction to them.

So, I end up feeling confused and frustrated. I may even lash out to the thing or person who has caused these unwarranted emotions to appear. But in reality, I just want to understand them and know if this is right to feel this way. Should I react like this? Or that? I realize I may be overthinking it, but I can't help it--it's my nature.

Eventually, I grow tired of trying to understand and force myself to distance myself from the cause of my emotional distress. I act standoffish and aloof to the point of indifference. I start to lose how to feel as I suppress more and more.

However, no matter how much I scream and fight internally, there's always a part of me that wants to stop the oppression of emotions and learn how to feel again. I can't get too excited, I can't scream out in joy, I can't reciprocate love for I have lost those abilities. If it continues like this, will I become a root? Will I become truly apathetic and void?

To be honest, I'm waiting, waiting for my muse to save me? Guide me? Or at least answer me? Actually, I don't know, but what I do know is that I need it as a spark for my forgotten emotions and serve as a guide of sorts toward understanding them.

I'm scared to feel, so my emotions stay repressed. But I ache to reach for them again as an outlet, so I don't live life as a detached person incapable of offering correct emotions to others.

If pride is the root of all sin, then what is the root of all emotions? Tell me, I would like to know.