Am I suppressing my feelings like...like--
"I suppressed my heart from getting passionate about limited things and things I won't reach. I tried to suppress myself without even understanding. Aren't I the same as the adults I hated and couldn't forgive?"
I'm afraid of getting hurt? Of feeling inferior? So I close myself off. I don't enjoy things to my full potential. When I smile, I quickly suppress it with fear of how it looks so unappealing and questions of "should I be enjoying this? Do I have the right to like this? What's wrong with you? How should I feel?" invade my mind.
So, I crawl into my shell, only taking cautious glances and peeks. I can't be like this, other people deserve this more than me. To me, it's too far off and unreachable--what hope do I have when I feel so inadequate.
Honestly, I don't exactly understand why I have to be like this. I'm inadequate? Inferior? Worthless? Why do I feel the need to feel this way when no outside provocation was thrown at me? But, there is no denying it. This dark suffocating complex of min has been growing and growing maliciously for years, ever since I became acquainted with it as a young child of 6.
It grew with me and matured with me and now I'm frightened that it will drown me.
The words of others can't penetrate my shell and when it does...I just quickly forget by accident...
How pathetic am I?
I want to be save, but I remain a stubborn moody bull.
...at this point, the only one that can save me is myself...but can I do that before I drown?
YOU ARE READING
A Self-Hate Diary for Me by Me
Ngẫu nhiênJust a collection of my self-hating thoughts for the past couple of years that I feel I need to face again for progress. I doubt anyone will read this though...
