A Self-Hate Diary for Me by Me

8 February 2016 "My Rambling Pt. 2"

When it's finally time to accept others, I experience a mental lockdown--a short-circuit of the nervous system. My brain refuses to take things as they are and breaks down comprehension into indescribable broken pieces. Try as i might to piece them together, it's just a futile waste of time. So I retreat and plan a counter-strategy  only to not return. I'm too fearful of the repercussions...or is it myself that I'm really afraid of?

Is this okay? To live like this? In constant repetition of such thoughts? I feel as if I can't trust myself so I have no right to trust others. I'm insignificant, lost, and missing pieces of myself, so I have no right to enjoy myself or others. I have to push myself to compensate for such things as that and more that I'm not letting on to. I push, pull, contract, and retract myself to the point that I break and submit to the tears I've been holding in for so long.

I'm glass. I break with the cracks being my tears. You may repair me but if I constantly break, you give up and I fall into ruin. This is unhealthy.

But I myself must claw my way out of this state. Overthinking can be bad, but these thoughts of mine brought me to where I am today. They may have brought me down, caused mental breakdowns, and swamped me with tears, but they've also gave me fresh memories, expanded and more open my views, a respite, and brilliant solutions.

Still, I search for answers to questions like: Why am I like this? What do I want? What do people want? Are we really connected? I don't know the solutions to these answers no matter how much I search and ask. That's because I myself need to create and find my own answers. I'm a flawed being, missing essential parts and struggling to comprehend the world I've been dropped in. But then I stop with my self-consumption, look at people, and realize we are similar and in the same boat. And for now, that's good enough for me. Thank you.