Together let's breathe - Josh Dun fanfic

21. Josh

Last night was the first night in a month that I haven't been able to sleep. I learned a long time ago how to live off of very little sleep. But since I've had Marie with me, I've felt safe enough to sleep like I do with Tyler. Now I have to remember my old tricks for making through the day. Like the second iced coffee I'm gulping down now. 

When Marie woke me up after the last time I'll fall asleep peacefully, I thought I was dreaming. An anxiety dream that felt real would be nothing new for me. She showed me the picture of her exposed and me begging her to jump in the pool. I tried to nudge myself awake. When the image and Marie's crying eyes wouldn't leave, I knew it must be real. 

"We can figure this out" I kept saying. "This isn't that big of a deal. Everything will be okay." Lie after lie I told her so she could calm down. What I didn't say were the words floating around in my head like "I'm sorry I dragged you into this" and "I wouldn't blame you if you wanted to leave."

I'm sitting on the edge of the stage with my legs dangling beneath me and not enough noise in my ears to distract me. We were supposed to start sound check ten minutes ago, but Tyler can't seem to pull himself away from Jenna. Normally it wouldn't bother me because Marie would be here too. Instead of sitting on my lap while I attempt to play the drums or making me blush while some magazine takes my picture, she is hiding on our bus. I can't help but to watch Tyler and Jenna as they seem to just float together as they talk. It's like a dance that only the two of them know, moving in sync to become one person. It's strange and beautiful like a work of art. I wonder if people stare at Marie and me as if we are in a museum too. I'm too far away to hear what they are saying, but the looks Jenna sends my way every few words tells me they know. I've already had enough of Jenna's sympathetic glances, as if she had any idea what Marie and I are feeling. 

"Hey are we ever going to get to work or do you two just want to get a room?" I hear my anger say. I can count on one hand the times I can remember being truly angry in my life. I don't want this time in this place to become another. 

Jenna and Tyler don't react to my outburst with anything more than another glance in my direction. Jenna leans into Tyler, whispers something into his ear and disappears off stage. Finally turning his attention to me, Tyler comes over to the edge of the stage. 

"Are you okay? I mean I'm sure it hasn't been an easy morning for you or Marie." Tyler's voice shakes a little saying her name like it was poison in his mouth. I can't decide what is worse, the fact that Tyler just confirmed the picture isn't part of a nightmare or that my best friend has seen my girlfriend half naked. 

"I'm tired." Those two small words should tell him everything. I've said them to him a thousand times before usually followed by 'but I can't sleep'. I'm tired became like a code for help me. Tyler reaches his hand out to my shoulder, but instead of falling into his arms as usual, I step back. His hand falls back down to his side, defeated. 

"This is all your fault you know." I snap. "If you weren't so wrapped up in your self none of this would have happened. You had to have known that I was lonely and hurting and yet night after night you would send me away to sit in my loneliness. I ended up losing control of my body, and Marie was taken away from me. Then I'm lonely and hurting again after a brief moment of happiness. At least she was safe when she was away from me. She could have had a normal life, but you brought her back into this world that only wants to hurt her. Don't you see that this is all your fault?" As I recount this story through a haze of angry and riddled it with inaccuracies, Tyler just stands there taking in my ranting. He looks normal as if I was talking to him about what I was thinking of having for dinner that night. I want him to react. I want him to hate me so I'm not the only one.

 "Are you done?" Tyler pauses expecting an answer that I don't give. "Did you get that out of your system?" 

He can see right through me. He knows when I say I blame him, I mean me. Tyler doesn't deserve any of the blame. I can try to blame the person who took the picture or the people that share it, but that wouldn't be fair. They shouldn't get all the blame when I'm the one who told her to take her top off. I'm the one who brought her into a life where pictures are constantly taken. I'm the one who dragged her on the couch. I'm the one who wanted her back with me despite [ all the reasons not to]. I spent so much time thinking about what it would be like to have her all to myself, that I didn't think about what that meant for her. I was so scared of her getting hurt, but that was so vague. Now the pain has a face and it's mine. The voice in my head never let up  the doubts telling me I'm not good enough for her and I can't protect her.  So I hid her away. A little secret that was all mine so the world couldn't break her. Turns out when she is all mine she is all mine to break.