the rooftop / g.d

1

REN'S POV

Tyler pushes me up against the wall, his shirtless torso pressed against mine. I grip strands of his hair as we share a heated kiss. It's finally happening tonight.

"I've waited so long for this, Ren." He mumbles before sucking my neck harshly and I let out a strained moan.

Tyler said he'd wait for me, however long it took me before I was ready to try again. I told him I'd be ready tonight. What better night to lose your virginity than New Year's Eve? Right?

He doesn't know I'm a virgin. When we first started talking, I lied to him and just said it's been a while since my last time.

In actuality, sex has been something I've been scared of my entire life. I didn't know if I'd ever be ready but Tyler makes me feel like I am. Despite the fact that he can be a royal asshole sometimes, he's the only guy who hasn't truly hurt me in my life.

With my trust and commitment issues, no one has ever gotten close to me. I wouldn't let them. Tyler is no exception.

I guess I do kinda like him but I'm not ready to let myself be fully open with him. We've only known each other for three months.

He hasn't said he loves me, although It doesn't bother me. I'm not one of those girls that needs to be loved or love someone to have sex, but I do need trust and I'm sure I have that with him.

Even though I feel a little unsure about this whole thing, I've convinced myself that I can't be a virgin at 20 anymore. It's time to get it over with and to face my fear... not just of pain but everything else. 

Besides, Tyler's been pushing this for the whole three months we've been seeing each other.

"Just... be gentle. That's all I want." I tell him seriously as I push him onto his back on the bed.

Tyler's been with girls before, a lot of them. He is far more experienced in the field than I am. I've tried not to let it bother me, or scare me but I can't help it.

I don't want him to treat me like every other girl. I don't want him to have high expectations of what I might be like in bed. To be honest, I'm terrified of what will happen once he buries himself inside me.

The fear of pain from my past is threatening my sex life. He doesn't know about my past. Something inside me won't let me tell him about what I've been through. That's something I may or may not tell him in the future.

I ignore his painful grip on my waist as I take off my demin jacket and slide my shirt over my head. I ignore the bile coming up my throat as he licks down my neck.

Don't think about it. Just don't think about it. Don't let it ruin this moment.

He flips us over, hovering above me. I shut my eyes and ignore every signal in my head that's telling me to push him off me and scream. 

What is wrong with me? I thought I was past this. Can't things run smoothly this time?

My breathing rate increases harshly from fear as he clasps my wrists and pushes my hands above my head, restricting my movements. I try to shake off the uneasy feeling I get as he slips his tongue in my mouth.

He takes both my wrists in one hand, his other travels down the bare skin of my chest and into the front of my underwear.

Don't think about it. Stop thinking about it, Ren.

As soon as his fingers begin to rub me, I feel like I might be sick. I don't feel pleasure at all like I thought I might after all these years. I feel like an object.