the rooftop / g.d

15

trigger warning.

REN'S POV

I didn't want him to go. I wanted him to hold me but I couldn't do that to him.

He deserves better. Not me. He doesn't deserve me.

He stares at me, desperately and I look away.

Everything felt right when he kissed me. He filled the void in me. Grayson is everything I need but he doesn't need me.

When he kissed me all over, trying to erase my scars and my hickeys, I knew he was too good for me.

No one has ever been so gentle with me. It's always been quick, rough and scary. With Gray, it was the opposite.

As he comforted me with his kisses, all I could think about was all the times I had been assaulted. Tyler is one example. The main, constant example. My father.

Once mom died and Nick left, I was vulnerable, weak. I couldn't defend myself. I didn't know what to do.

He touched me, there. And I was left helpless. I couldn't resist. My father held me down, telling me this was normal as he felt me up. 'My little Florence is growing up'. I left the second I could and never looked back.

I never told anyone. I couldn't even bring myself to tell Grayson.

It's scarred me. It follows me everywhere. And I panic, every time I want to face my fear. My fear of my father touching me. When someone else touches me, I can't cope.

It's ruined my life and its about to ruin my relationship with the person I love. I don't want it to, but I can't bring myself to tell him.

He's the first guy to make me feel cared for. He touched me the way any one deserves to be touched. In the simplest and purest form. He's so pure.

He'll never treat me the same when he finds out about me.

"Ren..." His voice falters.

I bring my vision to him and see his concerned face. I shut my eyes.

I don't want to see him hurting. I love him. And love scares the hell out of me but I don't care. Not when its him.

He can find someone better than me.

I shake my head. I wrap my arms around myself, wishing to keep the feeling of his hug on me.

When I open my eyes, he's gone and I hear the door slowly shut. A sob passes through my lips and I hold my head in my hands.

Am I crazy? He'll take care of me. Grayson will understand. I've waited for someone like him to heal me for years. I can't let him slip through my fingers.

His actions...proved how genuine he is. I'm too selfish to let him leave.

Suddenly, I jump up and quietly race to the door. I lean against it, pressing my ear to the wood.

I hear his deep breathing on the other side of the door. He's still here. I wipe my tears away as my heart leaps in my chest.

After a minute of standing by my door, I slowly open it. Grayson isn't standing behind it. I look to my right and he's not there. No.

I step out into the hallway and turn to my left. I feel relief wash over me as I see him stop and slowly face me.

No, I can't do this to him. I look away from him, walk back into my apartment and shut the door. I need time to figure myself out.

But I already know one thing... I can't let Grayson out of my life.

ONE WEEK LATER

I sit on a garden chair on the rooftop, a cigarette between my lips. I stare at the view and sigh, smoke escaping in my exhaled breath.

I miss him. I haven't seen him in a week. Does he miss me? I mean, he came to my apartment on New Year's Day.

I slump back on the couch, sucking at a cigarette. A knock on the door startles me.

"Ren?" It's Grayson. My stomach turns. I want to see him.

I stand up but stop myself.

"Look, whatever happened last night, I'm here for you. I'll always be." He says and my eyes well up with tears.

I walk up to the door, my hand grasping the door knob. I lean on the door.

"I know you're in there. Please let me in." He begs, his voice growing quiet.

I want to let him in, but I'm terrified.

After five minutes of waiting, he leaves as I hear his footsteps grow further and further away.

I should've opened the door but I didn't. Scared as hell, again. I don't want to lose him. But I'm afraid I might've already.

I shouldn't of freaked out on him that night, but I couldn't tell him the truth either. I was scared so I reacted how I always do. I panicked. And I... I might've pushed him away.

I sit here, hoping he'll come up here too. I've been up here every afternoon, hoping he'd join me. Ugh, I hate myself. I wont open the door of my apartment but I'll wait on the rooftop like an idiot.

What would I say to him though if he was to show up?

What if he hates me? Then what?

Oh shit. I just realised. His eviction notice. He'll be evicted if he doesn't pay the rent...today. Fuck.

What if he's already gone? I never got his number. How will we keep in contact?

I put out the cigarette, popping some mint gum in my mouth before throwing the door open.

I need to see him and explain everything before it's too late. I need to find his apartment. It can't be too hard to find since we live on the same floor. I'll just have to knock on every door.

I start stepping down the stair well until I bump into someone.

I look up and see Grayson, as beautiful as ever. I feel a weight lift off my shoulders. He's still here.

"Grayson?"

He was going up to the rooftop.

"Ren. Hey."

I'm tired of hiding, tired of waiting. I need to explain myself.

_____

A/N you're not alone. there is always someone you can talk to. help is out there. I love you.