The 19th Thread, It would come if it would!
The longing was really very hard to bare. Pero naisip ko ako naman ang pumili ng path na ito so I have to take it. There were tons of times that I wanted to give up, I wanted to go home, I wanted to see you... I wanted to meet you guys again. Pero lagi rin naman na kahit na nangyayari iyon muli akong nakakahanap ng strength para magpakatatag pa. "This is for the best Azalea. It's for the best." I still hear and say it all the time, that same phrase I kept on whispering to myself before I left.
It's been what? two years since... Ang tibay ko pala! Hahahah~ Masarap sanang tumawa kung may feels, pero I'm not really in the mood. Looking at what I have done, siguro kapag ka kinwento ko to, some would think it was a great and tough sacrifice, pero alam ko na mas maraming makakakita nito bilang isang katangahan. Ou na, gets ko naman eh! Lagi kong sinasabi na it's for the best and I did it for Chase, for them all, dahil feeling ko nakakasagabal ako, feeling ko I'm hindering the process of a new beginning for them, especially Chase. Hindi ko kasi talaga kayang i-let go nalang basta-basta yung Chase I once knew. Yung Chase na alam kong mahal ako and won't ever leave my side, like ever! Oh how I would trade anything to get him back, pero that would be selfish of me. They are all moving on and well, I need to stop!
In the end, this decision was... for me and myself only. Ayoko na kasing masaktan at natatakot ako na as the days pass by mas lalo lang niya kong kamuhian, this is what he wants so gagawin ko nalang. Maybe yeah, I've given up. I didn't stick to my word na lalaban ako at ipaglalaban ko yung pagmamahal ko, yung pagmamahal nung Chase na kilala ko para sa akin. But I'd rather accept that I'm a sore loser kesa marinig ko mismo na siya na yung nagpapaalis sakin at nagsasabi sakin na 'I never want to see you again.' 'I will never like you, what more is loving you!' Like NO WAY IN HELL!!! I'm already too hurt, and the pain of separation which I chose is already too much to bear dagdag pa na lagi kong iniisip, Will there ever come a day na maaalala niya pa kaya ako!? When that happens would he bother looking for me!? It might be impossible and I'm probably hoping for a disappointment pero naisip ko rin naman na darating rin yung time na I'll be all over it naman na siguro, darating rin yung time na masaya nko sa buhay ko at masaya nalang ako para sakanya.
I really do try to think a lot of positive outcomes and as much as possible I always fill my mind with happy positive thoughts. One day, I really do hope na dumating yung time na yun. Yung time na pwede nakong umuwi and well, things would be okay for all of us. Pero sa ngayon, I think Mom, Dad and Chase won't be proud kung wala akong mararating kaka-sulk. I'll just do my best and continue with my life, alam ko na may nilaan si God na time para jan and it might be anytime sooner or later, pero di ko naman pwedeng antayin na lang yon. It'll come if it would and I'll just be ready, but I won't stop continuing on with my life. I promised myself na if I can't show him my love literally then I'd show that by taking good care of myself and being someone I know he'd be proud of. Alam ko naman na if he was still here with me then that would be his wish, knowing that guy naman... Alam na! Sometimes he can be really selfless... Selfless ba talaga??? NO! I think he just really loves and cares about me a lot kaya he wants what is good for me... I wish I could make him know somehow na I feel the same, na I just want him to be happy too although it would hurt if the future he wishes is a future without me I'll be happy, dhil sbeh nga Loving is when you can be happy even when the person you love is happy with someone else. I guess some people are really worth hurting for!
Nuh ba yan! 6am palang nagse-senti moment nanaman ako XD Maliligo nanga ako at may pasok pko. Mahirap pa naman ritoh sa France! Ibah pa yung lengwahe sa ibang subjects and I'm still not very fluent so super tinding aral talaga. Pero okay lang, studying helps me to get my mind off of things so natutuwa narin ako dahil I really love the challenge in it. Yun talaga kasi yung super nakakakuha ng attention ng utak ko eh, and it blocks out other thoughts, including the most painful ones. Kakalungkot lang at malapit nkong grumaduate. Balak ko ngang mag-aral pa ulit at kumuha ng iba't ibang mga short courses or kaya naman eh kumuha ng isa pang major. Di ko kasi alam kung handa naba kong umuwi after graduation... But that's still months from now~ Saka ko na yan pag-iisipan.
BINABASA MO ANG
The Red Thread
Storie d'amore❝An invisible red thread connects those who are destined to meet, regardless of time, place, or circumstance. The thread may stretch and tangle, but will never break.❞ That's what they say but, What if you meet and fall in love with the wrong perso...
