The Diary (Phan)

Chapter Seven

Lucky number seven.

And by lucky, I mean sad, sad number seven.

Have fun reading.

PHIL'S POV

I was cuddled into his side. It was so comfortable. I couldn't believe that I was so lucky as to have him as a boyfriend. Who would want a pathetic loser like me. I was winning a bet against myself, one that I wanted to fail. He was going to make it really hard to leave. But I have to, I can't stay here anymore. It was pointless to even try anymore. Why did I bother? I should just get it over with tomorrow night when I get home.

I rubbed his chest subconsciously, I wasn't aware that I was doing it until I felt him wiggling around.

"What's wrong?" I asked, and he chuckled a little.

"Nothing's wrong," He said, yawned, and continued. "I'm ticklish." He confessed sheepishly. Oh, he didn't know what fun this would bring. I flipped myself oven onto him so that I was straddling him. His eyes flashed with fear as I ran my fingers along his ribs. He let out his breath in a hiss. I was turning him on, and I was so glad to make him feel something other than pity for me, of which he didn't even know he felt it toward me. I just wanted to make him feel good. I was still a virgin, but that didn't mean I didn't know how to place the kisses on Dan' neck so that I take his breath away. I let my lips trail along his neck.

"P-Phil." He moaned as I began to suck on his soft spot.

"Hmm?" I hummed on his neck, which only made him moan a little louder. He was grinding into the air, and I smirked, if he wanted contact, then that's what I'd give him. I sat on his hips, mainly trying to gain some control of his movement. He grinded himself into me, making my breath hitch. "Do you want to do this?" I asked him. He nodded eagerly and I began to lift his shirt over his head. He helped me do this and caught my lips with his. It was sweet, and he took my jumper in his hands. I immediately regretted getting myself into this situation, I forgot about having to take off my clothes. I let his hands remove the thick insulating material. I felt cold, and there were goosebumps rising on my arms. I tried to keep them away from Dan, because it was embarrassing; sick, even.

He took them, though, and kissed every scar, cut, and burn. I gasped at the feel of his soft lips on them. I didn't deserve him to be so gentle and caring with me. Once he had kissed my wrist to shoulder, he laid me down on the bed. He gave me the same treatment that I gave him. He trailed kisses up my arms and to my neck. He nipped at sweet spots on my neck, making me writhe in pleasure. All of this almost made me want to live.

I started to stare out into space, what if he's just leading me on, and doesn't really like me at all? He must have noticed the look on my face because he looked into my eyes.

"Are you alright?" He asked, and I caught myself staring at his lips. I nodded, and he kissed me on the lips. I smiled into the kiss.

"Yes," I said in between one of the sweet kisses. He reached his hands down to the hem of my shirt. My heart started to race. I couldn't let him see it all. Not yet, anyway.

I put my hands on his. I looked into his eyes, and he nodded understandingly. "Thank you." I said and pecked his lips once again. "I'm sorry."

"It's okay, you don't have to do anything you're uncomfortable with," He took my hands in his and looked down into my eyes. "Is it because..." He didn't finish what he was saying, but I understood. I didn't give an answer, instead I just was afraid.

What if he thought I was gross? It is a gross thing to do. I felt so self conscious under him.

"Can I at least see?" He asked. His voice dripped with love, at least, that's how I heard it. I nodded, I could never tell him no. He took my shirt in his hands, and I lifted my arms over my head so that he could get it up. I gulped as I saw the look on his face. "Phil." He sounded so sad. I didn't want him to feel that way.

I was laying there with my bare stomach exposed. You could see my ribs because the lack of food I eat and keep down. You could see the cuts and burns that were there too. I felt like crying, it was so repulsive of me to do that. It's gross. I'm gross. My parents think so, and the people at school do too, what was stopping Dan from feeling that way too?

I wanted to get up and leave. The way he was looking didn't help. He looked so upset.

"I'm sorry." I said. It was the only thing I could think of to say, because I am sorry for myself. I'm sorry that he ever even had to feel bad for me.

He shushed me with a finger on my lips. "Is there anywhere else?" He asked, and I couldn't help but to be honest with him, why would I lie anyway? I nodded again, so close to tears, it was embarrassing. I started to take off my pants, and he stopped me with a hand on mine. "You don't have to show me, we did just meet."

I felt like I needed him to know. At least he would know something before I left next week. I had a week to show him what I was made of. "I want you to. unless you don't want to, because I know it's gross, I know I'm gro-"

"You're not," He said, cutting me off. I could feel tears in my eyes. When they began to fall he caught them with his lips. I took my pants off and he gasped. These ones were worse. They were deeper, 'x's were cut into the pale skin, along with the horizontal ones. I felt so gross. Why would I do this to myself? I wanted to quit so badly, but I couldn't. The escape I found in a little piece of metal was crazy.

I hated myself for it.

But I hate myself for everything. I hate the way I breathe. The way I speak. That's why I didn't speak much at school, but Dan was my weakness, he got me to speak.

I shouldn't have. It was because he had the journal. I should have kept my mouth shut. And that's what I was doing, I wouldn't tell him that it was mine. I'll just give him hints that it's me.

I was ripped out of my thoughts by his lips tenderly pressing to every cut, bruise, burn, and other self inflicted wound.

I think I love him.

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I think this is my favorite part.

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