ne t'en fais pas

right?

i cant even listen to new songs
because i seem to relate the
words to everything that
happened between us and i
hate that about myself.

i sit out in the night, feeling
absolutely nothing but the burn
that the vodka leaves as it runs
down my throat, the end of a
blunt following it quickly.

i say i feel nothing but then i
listen - i listen to the words that
fall out of the speaker, and it all
hurts as it comes rushing back.

i feel things, but nothing good
even when its a song that i have
never heard of.

the thought and memories of you
come rushing back and it is then
that i, once again, should throw
my phone to the other end of my
bed or even off a bridge, but i cant.

instead, my fingers bring me more
suffering as i scrolling through all
the texts and photos between and of
us both.

my fingers betray me with every turn,
not allowing the words and pictures
to be deleted because they know my
heart would never be able to handle
the pain of it shatters into pieces
once it is all gone - and i have never
hated myself more than when i have
everything ready to be gone with a
single button, but i can do it.

and every night as i lay awake with
the music, images, and messages all
causing more pain than i could have
ever imagined - i just wish i could
pull the trigger and end it all, but even
when ive got the option right there
before me, i never do.

"why?" is what most would ask - but i
dont know either and that hurts, because
deep down i know its because i want you
back and i want you to understand but
i know that will never be and its all my fault.

so, when  i sit behind the wheel of the car all
alone, the words speak loud as they tell me
to pull the wheel but i just cant; no matter
how many times you tell me i shouldnt be here,
alive, i cant do it because i hope and pray for
the day youll come back and tell me that i
never did anything wrong as you laid with
another person.

i hope.

i hope for something that will never happen
and i keep thinking that its all my fault, that
i wasnt good enough even when people tell
me that i shouldnt blame myself for your actions.

but you wouldve never done it, right?

you wouldnt have if i had been perfect, if i
had done the right things and made better
choices so that i fit to what you like and
wanted in someone.

right?

- march 12, '18 ; 14:28