Random Open Letters to Random People

To the one that got away.

Hey, F..

How have you been? I was scrolling through my feed when I saw you had changed your profile picture. You indicated that you had a field trip. I remember when we were in elementary, you used to talk about how much you wanted field trips. I'm pretty sure you had enjoyed your trip.

As much as I want to speak about positive and good things, I can't. I'm not well. I just can't keep pretending much more. At least here, in writing, I could be true to what I'm feeling and remove the mask I've been wearing.

My classmates want to end their lives just because of the many schoolworks and all the pressure, that's just so absurd. I mean their reasons are just so pathetic. But when I think about my reason, I can't help but say that it's much more pathetic than theirs.

I still have time. I spend it on being like how a normal kid would. But everyday, when I feel the pain, it just cripples my whole system. I feel like I should stop my misery and the only way to do that is through, making myself see the light above.

I heard you had gained so much friends, they were all goofy and real. I had several friends too. I'm just not sure who's real and true. Some, get insecure and jealous.. they would always say that I'm a very lucky person.. this is most likely because of the scores I tend to get. I feel really awkward talking about it. I mean, its still me. I'm still their friend. And they have nothing to get jealous about me and my life.. my life is horrible. Yes, they could want to be like me because of the things I have shown in class, but when they see the inner me. The me outside of school, the me screaming in pain everytime it just tightens, the me that's just halfway in meeting death.. then they might want not to..

The only thing making me happy these days, F, is the thought of you enjoying your life there. Thoughts of you smiling, playing soccer, answering the tough math and science questions.. they make me happy.

I'm really sorry for the struggles you had to share with me.. Thank you for always being there and being my walking personal diary. Thank you for all the fun and happy memories.. I miss you so bad..

You are my 'the one that got away' and I just want you to know that unlike normal got away open letters, I don't intend to have you back. You would just be hurting and that would be shoot back much more pain to me.

If you're wondering if I had regret it. I seriously don't. If I hadn't pushed you away, you wouldn't be there right now, achieving your dreams.. you wouldn't have had gone to that field trip.. you wouldn't have met the one that mended your heart.. you wouldn't have met her.. you wouldn't have been happy.

You said you would be happy, if I just fight and let you stay right by my side. But I know better. Who would have been happy, seeing someone suffer and struggle? No one. When I saw tears rushing down your face, I wanted to wipe them.. I wanted to erase them.. I wanted to see your smile. But I had to put on the mask I had long worn. For you to be free from my misery. You were  carrying half of my sufferings, but you're now free..

Attend your favorite band's concert..

Buy the phone you had always wanted..

Watch your TV..

Follow fashion..

Obey the law and repeat after me..

"I am free."

~Arra