i begin conversations on glass.
"hey, did you see this?"
"this made me think of you."
simple statements.
am i pushy?
am i overbearing?
they don't always mind.
sometimes the conversation grows.
sometimes it's silent for days.
weeks.
months.
i often wonder if i made a mistake.
i often wonder if i drove them away.
i often wonder if i hurt them.
i am afraid to ask.
i don't ask.
quiet.
quiet.
quiet.
we talk in person.
we walk in silence.
did i do something wrong?
did i push them too far?
the smiles say 'no'.
the voices in my head say 'yes'.
i don't push it.
they talk to the others.
they text the others.
a lasting conversation.
a connection.
did we lose it?
did we never have it?
i don't know.
i don't ask.
i know i am insecure.
i know i fear rejection.
i know i don't want to be alone again.
but i am afraid of it.
i don't want to lose them.
i don't want to drift apart.
i think they've already left me.
i think they've moved on.
but i don't know.
i don't ask.
friends grow and change.
friends aren't always forever.
i want forever.
i don't need forever.
i laugh at myself.
i laugh at my anxieties.
in my head they are trivial.
in my heart they are everything.
i remember meeting them.
sitting.
singing.
laughing.
dancing.
living.
is it too late to apologise?
is it too late to fix this?
i don't want to leave them.
i don't want to be left behind.
my heart is in shards.
i give my heart away in kindness.
i help.
i harm.
i hide.
have i been doing them wrong?
have i hurt them?
i don't have the courage to face them.
i don't have the heart to confront this.
i'll simply stay here.
hidden.
hurting.
starting conversations in the glass.
