SERVIETTE

one

I know this.
I've this strong feeling in the pit of my gut.
That I'm going to regret.
Regret very badly, whatever I'm trying right now.
My demons, are they even demons or is just me trying to avoid this?

Am I practically categorised Lazy or Am I really having issues!

I'm completely confused now. Utterly confused and disgusted to be the human that I am.

What am I?
Where am I?
Who am I?

Feeling pointless.
I'm trying to see a bigger picture of what's going to lead from now on. You know What I See?

Disappointment.

I'm restless.
I'm tired
I'm processing
I'm trying

I swear I'm really doing who knows what.

Maybe yeah I'm practically a Lazy soul. A waste of space. Burden to bear. Maybe. Just maybe I feel...

I've too much of pleasantries that left me in search of pain.

Pain.
To feel it.
To make it mine.
To feel pain.
To feel.

I'm.. I don't know.
I just want to stop being like this.
I want to be Normal. Normal like others.
Continue living like all this happening is just a Bullshit feelings of my insane heart.

Maybe I've to just accept I'm literally Insane.
Because as much as I'm trying to feel normal its coming back three times more forcefully on my face.

Maybe this Regret won't occur if I just accept my Insanity.

Insanity without Cause.
An inborn instinct which won't fade no matter where I try to hide.

What's the most funny part of all this is. Tomorrow morning when I wake up from bed I'll be back again to hide my poor excuse of living behinds the veils of conscious which keeps hissing whatever I'm currently doing is just a act which will jab me hundred times more when it'll retaliate.

Everything happens for a reason they says. Every cloud has a silver lining they say. But what's so wrong with me, that I want to be left hopeless, why am I wishing for pain.

I hate myself. Its not just saying. I literally mean every word I spell
"I hate myself"

When I look at mirror, I feel disgusted to look at my face.
When people admire themselves in mirror and get ready with so much time paying to oneself.
I hate to stare at mirror at an unknown face staring back at me.

I can't even look down at my body.
So ugly.
So poor excuse of feminine.
So waste of living being.
So ridiculous excuse of human.

With the skin like reptile, chapped lips, dull eyes, untamed hairs.
I really want to go on travelling, I want to be just a bystander feeling cold and hot of the true nature, than being inside the four walls which confines me with,

Expectations
Reliability
Family
Friendship
Profession

I would rather stay in sidewalk, than have to deal with Expectations,

Expectation what a huge rock. Which really anchors you into depths of ocean bed.

Reliability? What a poor excuse to suck the life out of you. People say one who can shoulder and stay strong for others has no reasons to feel weak. But dear, do you even take a minute to look into the heart of that Shoulder you shamelessly lean on?

Family!! Wah. How should I put into words. Hm. I want to laugh. So loudly. One question, really a serious one too. WHY DID YOU BRING ME INTO THIS WORLD??

Friendship?? What is that??

I've never felt the feeling not even close to F of friend with anyone.

You're judging me ain't you?
You're the best then.
Because I don't know how to judge myself other than feeling attention whore. That's what I'll end up hearing. I know. Its a gut feeling. Trust me.

Profession! Hmm.. I'm still thinking what it means.

Stop that.
Stop your brainstorming
Trying to understand me.
I already know I'm worthless.
I don't want an attest to it from you.

I don't need your attention
Your pity
Your understanding
Because I know I can't handle attention when you say
You'll stay with me.

When we won't even last for next twenty four hours how can I expect you to be with me.

Worthless. Useless. Pessimist. Disappointment.

Ha. That's what I am.