A Girl's Collection

I Give Myself To You

Six years I have spent here.
Drowning in the overwhelming smell of medication.
Listening to the sound of the clicking drum that keeps my heart fluttering and beating.
Listening to the sound of the beeping pulse that expands and pushes away the halo that dares to form above my head.
Watching as the number blinks in bold black letters against the slightly green screen.
It's buttons worn down and no longer revealing what they were labeled.
Whether it be the up and down arrows or the button for bolus.

I give myself to you.
I give my body to the disease that condemns it.

I give myself to you.
Just as I have for these six going on seven years.
My body is failing under your claws.
My tongue can taste the white cotton that coats it.
My body can feel the horrendous shaking of my fingers.
My head throbs for you when I get too high.
My body goes numb for you when I'm too low.

I cannot keep you happy.
I cannot keep you happy for I know that you will never bring my kidneys back into full bloom.
You will never save the damage you have already done.

I am not worthy of you.
I am not worthy for I forget to place the white pill against my tongue at night.
I forget to place the grey and blue pill against my tongue in the day.
I forget to stab my finger in the over bearing burden of callouses.

But, I give myself to you.
For these past years have been hell.
And you have been my Lucifer.
I give myself to you and please you by chugging the gallons of water a day.
I give myself to you while holding myself back at the usual celebrations where there is cake and ice cream.

I give myself to you!
For I am no longer a person.
For I am no longer a healthy body and mind.
For I am no longer the perfect porcelain child that was once created.
I give myself to you.... for my body cannot catch up and please your tyrannical reign.
My body is no longer the perfect weight under you laughter.
My body is now the canvas for callouses, scars, bruises, and seeping blood coming out of a needle sized hole.
My height has been stunned as an elephant sits on my chest and strangles me while I struggle to breath in this world of sugar and sweets.

My dreams have been limited.
I can no longer serve my country as I now serve a new master.
I can no longer live my life without the constant weight of shots in my hands.

I carry all of these things....
All because I simply want to please the one ripping my body apart.

So.... I give myself to you.
And wait for the day you either take my foot or my entire life.
I give myself to you...... and wait for my own reaping.