Under the Palm Trees

December 21, Thursday

The.Worst.Days.Of.My.Entire.Life. 

Yeah, what you just read before was, and is true.  But I'll start from the beginning:

I woke up at 9 am with a tangled hair and saliva trickling slowly from my mouth. I haven't slept this good in months! I was so full of energy and all. I even sang while showering, sang while dressing up, and danced in front of the mirror in my pink skirt. I felt extremely happy! I guess this is what love does to a person... I got ready for breakfast and went to Ethan. I knocked on his door, and he answered with a concern and incomprehension. 

"Ethan, what's wrong?" and as I said it, my dad from the bedroom called me in. There were dad, Ethan and a young looking beautiful woman, whose eyes were the same oceanic blue as Ethan's. I guess the beautiful woman was Ethan's mother. But why the hell would dad be here? In Ethan's room? WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON?

"What is going on?" I asked them, but no one looked at me in the eye. Everybody stared at their toes, even Ethan pulled away from me, with sad puppy eye. I had a really bad feeling. Then from the silence, Ethan's voice filled the room. 

"Hanna, do you remember that I told you about my father? About not knowing who he was?" he said, as he looked at me. Misery was written all over his face. Whatever the matter was, I just wanted to heal it, wanted to give the pain away. I hated him seeing this sad and miserable. 

"Yes, I remember. But what's the matter? Ethan? Tell me, please!" I said, moving closer to him, caressing his face with my hands. He smiled at me with a sorrowful fake-smile and moved away from me. I saw a tear rolling down his perfectly shaped jaws, then another one followed. 

"In the morning, I heard a knock on my door. I opened the door, and it was mom," he said, pausing for a second. " But she wasn't alone. She was accompanied by your father, Justin." he said looking at my dad, then at his mother sitting in an armchair next to the bed. I was still confused. What does my dad have to do with anything?

"I let them in." Ethan continued. " I was as confused as you are now. But then they told me everything. And I found all the missing pieces to my puzzle." He said, looking at me with his teary eyes. 

"Justin is my dad, Hanna. He was the missing dad all along. He just made a new family with your mother by leaving mine." He said and he couldn't take it anymore. He started crying and sobbing loudly, dejected. I wanted to go to him, protect him from all the bad feelings, but I couldn't. My feet were stuck to the ground like a magnet pulling them down towards the core of Earth. And this is the point when I realized. I and Ethan are half-siblings... I could never ever touch his face again the way I did before. I could never ever hold his hands. I could never ever kiss him again. 

I couldn't breathe. I just stood there, feeling as my first tears rolled down my cheeks. I started to choke and felt a fire burning in my throat. I felt like my heart was broken like I would never ever be happy again. Now I shared the misery of Ethan. I couldn't take it anymore, I just looked at my dad and his sad face and ran out of the room. I ran and ran up the hill to the monument. Just ran and didn't look back. I was out of breath, so I stopped for a second. I collapsed on to the ground and shouted. Shouted to my dad, for not telling me that he had a family. Shouting at Ethan for not coming after me, protecting me, being there for me. Shouting at myself for being so naive, that I thought just for a second that I could be happy. Shouting at everyone on Earth for being goddamn happy when I was dying inside. I cried endlessly, for hours and hours. Then, I placed my head on my arms and a dream dragged me with itself. 

...

When I awoke, it was already dark. I stood up and looked down at myself; I had scars all over my legs and hands. My skirt was stained with blood and dirt, but I didn't care. I started stumbling down the hill, looking for someone whom I can ask the time. I didn't see anyone, so it should have been midnight. I stumbled towards the corridor, stumbled towards Ethan's room. I tore up the fucking door and stepped inside looking for my dad, like a fanatic. I looked everywhere, but everyone and everything was gone. Even Ethan's bag and clothes. I staggered towards the armchair where Ethan's mother was. I sat down and let a shriek out. I swiftly stood up, and tore the bed apart, tore the armchair apart in my anger. I threw vases at the mirror and at the window. 

Then I went into my room, looking for the bouquet of roses Ethan sent me, but it was gone. It was like he disappeared from my life, but I couldn't let that happen. I looked for the papaya I took from his fruits. It was still there. I took it out from my drawer and hugged it towards my chest, as another tear rolled down my face. Seconds after, I fell into another long dream about rotten papayas and apple monsters. 

...

I woke up from a terrible nightmare of papayas fighting against apples. I got out of bed and went towards the bathroom. I had to pee so badly, so I went right to the toilet. I looked up at the clock on the wall, which showed 7:30 am. WHO IS THAT RETARDED WHO PUTS A CLOCK UP INTO A FUCKING BATHROOM??????? REALLY MAN????

After I peed, I dressed up and went to my parent's room. Today I didn't sing, didn't dance. I didn't even look in the mirror to see my swollen, red eyes. As I got to their room, I opened the door without knocking on it. As I stepped in, I heard mom shouting at dad, but I couldn't clearly hear what she had said. I only heard my pulse in my ears, as it sped up with the anger I felt burning inside me. I went to my dad, raised my hand, ready to punch his face. He saw me coming and caught my hand in the air. I wanted to get free from his hands, but they were around my wrists like chains of a prisoner. I couldn't help, but started to cry, loud and collapsed in his arms. 

"I LOVED HIM, DO YOU UNDERSTAND?" I shouted into his chest. "I loved him..." He let my wrists to fall down and I wrapped them around him, my tears making his shirt vet. We sat down on the floor, me crying and dad hugging me. I know, that whatever he did, he didn't do it on purpose. He didn't do it to hurt me, his only daughter. 

"Hanna, darling...I didn't know it would turn out like this...Look, I loved Marise once, 19 years ago, before I met your mother," he said, looking at mom. She eased her look, unfolded her arms and walked to us, putting her arms around me and dad. 

"But it's all over. And yes, Ethan may be my son, but that doesn't mean you can't visit each other..." he said, caressing my head as my tears formed a long river on the surface of my cheeks. 

"Honey, come on, you have to eat something for breakfast..." said mom, pulling up from the ground. 

"Let's have a nice breakfast, just the 3 of us." she said, explaining that Ethan was talking to his girlfriend again...well, I could understand how they missed each other. 

We started walking towards the restaurant, mom's hands around me on one side, and dad's on the other. I loved them, even though they broke my heart. 

After we ate a nice breakfast, all of us went to an old market downtown. There were fruits all around, their bright colors making me close my eyes. We went to shops with beautiful national Thai objects and herbs. It was pretty entrancing looking at all the different kinds of spices, one bright blue, the other one neon yellow. I got lost in the herbs and spices, but then I noticed a red something at the back of the shop. There was a red rose, with a paper on it. I took the rose out of a basket, my pulse pounding in my ears. This was one of the roses Ethan sent me. I took a look at the paper and read Ethan's scribbled writing. "Need to talk to you. At the back of the shop, Ethan". 

My heart started to pound even faster and louder as I ran out of the shop, towards the small, narrow street next to the shop. I saw a person standing next to the wall in a black T-shirt and I knew instantly that it was Ethan.