All Tied Up

January

Could this be it? Is he really going to leave after everything? Calla's heart begins to sink as she thinks everything over. After everything... I don't want to lose the one person that makes me feel safe. Everyone else left or they died. I don't think I can do this again.

Down the rabbit hole Calla falls once more. The constant fear that he'll find someone better or realize she's not what he expected. The crushing feeling of sorrow and pain suffocate her more and more everyday now. She's trying to pull away and find safety in her light, but she's so scared.

Calla finally talked to him; she finally pinned down a time to talk to Abraham. The phone rings and after an hour there are tears streaming down her face with no emotion from him. Her depression makes its way in and goes for her throat pulling her down with it. She's so overwhelmed, she doesn't know what to do. Her light is fading and the depression is thickening its dark possessive cloud around her. Her crown has fallen, her mask is slipping, and not a single person knows what to do about it.

If only I knew. Calla thought to herself as he left. I have nothing left. My foster family is burning down to the end of the wire. It just gets worse everyday at home. School isn't really much of an escape anymore, work was never an option for an escape. He was it and now he's gone. What's the point anymore? If only I had known how this was going to turn out. You promised you wouldn't hurt me, but how could I be so stupid? I mean come on you were perfect. You still promised! Why stay when going would be so much better? People would be so much happier. I'm *sigh* I'm just not good enough. I'm not enough for some people and for others I'm too much to handle. Who knows where I am, not with Abraham anymore. This hurts. To think about him hurts. I can't help it though you see. He was always there when I looked back or needed help and he just had disappeared now. Why do I even try to please people? I mean besides that I'm not what people want. Everything just keeps breaking. It's all almost gone.

Everything between Calla and Abraham fell apart like that petals on a dying rose or the pages of an old book; it just crumbled and fell apart. Why would he love her anyways? There are plenty of prettier, nicer girls than her at his school or even that he's friends with. Finally he sees that she's not worth it, not even a little. Calla stood there on the bridge between them as he cut the ropes. He left her to fall to the bottom of the rocky pit. He didn't even look down after she hit the bottom, he just let her lay there. He left her to die alone.

She wasn't mad at him just sad at him. Her heart broke completely this time. She couldn't fix it, she didn't want to fix it. It just helped her stack on another reason to the pile of why she should go. That pile was getting bigger than the reasons to stay, hell you couldn't even call it a pile. It was more like a mountain and a small dirt heap. All the more reason to push everyone away. Calla slowly backed away from the light into the darkness of death. Everyday she got closer and closer as she was filled with more and more sorrow. It was only a matter of time before she looked up and realizes she's far from life, but it will be too late.

The cold came back and this time she's not going to fight back. There's no point in fighting back. She is just going to let the cold take her, maybe take control. What's the point anyways when all she is is a slave now? She doesn't have a phone, she can't talk to friends, she can't leave the house except for school and work, she can't drive people, she can't spend any money because she doesn't have it any anymore, she can't be alone in her room she has to be with parents, she can't have a senior trip, she has twice as many chores, she doesn't get tax returns, she can't have passwords on things, she will have less free time, and the care takers are still thinking of more stuff to make her do.

The claws are closing in on her throat. She's scared. She's been backed into a corner. Calla doesn't know what to do. Calla's trapped. She can't escape this time. Game over. Check mate. Calla can barely breathe anymore without the walls closing in.

I'm sorry Abraham. It's all my fault. There's no one else to blame for anything that has been happening. It's all me. I'm so sorry for everything. I just ruin everything I touch. Now it's all caught up to me and I have to pay. I can't even call you anymore because they will have my phone. I'm sorry I couldn't make you happy. I should tell him about the heart problems I've been having, but why add on to his grief? He's busy anyways. What would a few silly words mean besides being a nuisance to him. I'm just a problem for everyone. A walking disaster. Why would anyone have actually loved me?  Calla thinks as she thinks about texting him.

I'm no longer free. I have no more room to breathe. I'm being locked away in a tiny box with no escape. Sooner or later I'm going to suffocate and not be able to take it anymore. Everyplace I turn they are right there. The walls are closing in fast, I don't know if I'm going to graduate anymore. I hurt myself again. I don't know if I can do this for much longer. Maybe I should listen to the voice that keeps telling me to jump off a bridge or slit my wrists or take pills again. Maybe this time I'll be successful. Maybe I'll finally make everyone happy. They'd all be happier without me anyways. I'm becoming suicidal again. This time there's no one to stop me because they can't unless they're here. And you know what Abraham? I can't do this anymore. I can't pretend to be happy when my life is just falling apart. I'm trapped! I can't get out of here. I don't think I want to be here anymore. I'm sorry Abraham I just can't. Suffocating everyday and you don't have a safe place anymore. Do you know how hard that is? Maybe I'll do it. Maybe I'm too scared to. Maybe I'll try again. No one would care. No one would notice. It hurts so much to live. Abraham I'm sorry, but no one will stop me anyways, so why not? Life just isn't for everyone...