All Tied Up

Calla's Diary

Well here we are, a glimpse into my screwed up mind and 'perfect' life. I just wish that everything could actually be fine for once. It feels like Abraham has left just like everyone else, I can feel my heart physically breaking, when you say his name I cry because all I can think about was when everything was fine. Oh and bonus I'm losing all my friends and I don't know how much longer I can do this. This whole living thing has kind of not been something I want. I mean that part is all recent so.... Oh right I'm supposed to start out with 'Dear Diary' whoops, well here goes nothing...

Dear Diary,
Life feels like its just going to be getting worse. Isn't that just what life is though? One huge shit storm that you either live through it or you get killed through it. I mean I've already lost one best friend and now it feels like I'm not only losing my best friend, but the guy I like. But hey I should've saw this coming. I'm a horrible person so its just what I deserve.... Right? I don't deserve a perfect guy like Abraham because I'm a bitch, let alone a happily ever after. I'm a villain. That's all that I am. I'm the villain of my own story, I don't deserve him. He's the rescusing prince, but I'm just the bad guy. He doesn't want me. He won't want me. He'll realize that and I don't think I can handle that, but I'll have to. That's just how it is isn't it?

Dear Diary,
Another one is slipping through the cracks in my fingers again. Do you know how much this hurts? I opened myself up too much this time. He knows too much, but I guess that's what I get don't I for wanting someone as perfect as him. My heart is becoming more and more exhausted. Thrown, dragged around, ripped apart, broken, it's been through too much. So why do I keep trying? Why should I keep trying when it's just going to stab me in the back? How can I trust when it's never returned? I walk around with a wary mind and a petrified heart that has difficulty trusting. I overanalyze everything making myself so scared and lonely. I push everyone away because I don't know who is actually going to stay anymore. Everyone leaves in the end anyways. I have opened my mouth up and told secrets that come back with a sickening twist. I have never trusted anyone with the darkest secrets until that night when Abraham spilled his own. It was amazing the trust he had no has? I think still has in me. My heart is still so exhausted though. I'm so tired of being dragged around so blindly and so painfully. Abraham says don't let go, but all I want to do is let go of everything. What do I have to hold on to? There's always him, but peoples feelings and motives change so how would I know? I care deeply for him, but I want to let go, I want to give up hope. I'm so scared to be alone, but I'm scared when I'm not. Do you know how tiring and how much effort it takes to pretend to be happy? To always have a mask up and smiling is so much work. It starts becoming too much. Although when have I ever deserved to be happy? I don't. I'm just too much for people. Always too much drama, too much confidence, too much this, too much that. There's just always something too much for people. So why not just help them out? Why not just pull away from everything and push everyone away? Just to make it easier for everyone. Everyone would just be so much happier without me here. It would just be easier for everyone if I just stopped breathing. I wish I could just stop breathing so everyone could be happy again. I ruin everything I touch, I poison everyone I talk to. It would just be easier for everyone if I just stopped breathing. I want to. Just so everyone can be happy. I'm so tired of making everyone's life hard. I love Abraham, but I don't think I can do this for much longer. I really do love Abraham, but I don't think he loves me anymore. I just wish everything could be fine and everything would just work out for once. Even though it won't because that's just how life is for the villain.