Synesthetes // Lil Xan

16

I woke up to everything being gray, but this time there were hints of red. I cringed, I hated red so much. I felt unsafe with anyting that gave me a feeling of red. I wanted to stay in bed, where everything felt safe, but soon reality hit me and I almost broke down. I knew I couldn't stay in bed all day, I had to work on my art and post something new today, I hadn't posted anything since the picture that Diego took of me.

Before I got out of bed, I checked my phone, and sure enough Diego had messaged me, but I ignored it. I didn't want to talk to him, I didn't want to feel sick and nauseous. There wasn't any point, anyway, he was a cheater and that's all I needed to know.

I got out of bed and splashed cold water on my face, quickly brushed out my hair and went to my closet, taking out my cherry lolita inspired outfit that I had made a few months before, I never wore it because it showed too much skin, but I couldn't wear much for the raw spots from the night before.

Sighing, I put it on and picked up my phone, going to my mirror and quickly snapping a picture for instagram.

3k likes

343 comments

Caption: I got caught up in the forest, hanging with the trees. Realized I'm less important, than I thought I'd be.

I quickly locked my phone before I could see the comments, I didn't want to read what people had to say about Diego's picture.

Sighing, I went downstairs to get something to eat.

~

6:00 rolled around and I realized I had done nothing but sit on the couch, staring at the wall. The way I was feeling interfered with anything I was trying to do. Between the raw spots and everything looking gray, there wasn't much I could do.

I didn't cry throughout the day, even though I desperatly wanted to. I never liked crying, I'd do it in private, I knew I was a cry baby but I was so ashamed of it.

Sighing, I put my shoes on and grabbed my phone and keys, I knew I wouldn't never let the tears out if I just kept sitting in my living room, so I decided to take a drive. I locked the door and walked to my car, getting in and taking in a deep breath before I popped in one of my favorite albums, wiped out!

I sang along to Prey as I drove, I didn't really know where to go, or what to do. I didn't feel like eating or going anywhere to do anything, so I decided to drive up to the hill above the city. I normally went there when I had too much on my mind and had to get out of the house, but now, I didn't know if Diego had ruined that for me since we spent time up there. I took the chance anyways.

When I reached the top, I parked in the front of the small parking lot where I could watch the sunset go down. I took a deep breath and let the tears fall, and soon enough I had streams down my cheeks and drops were falling onto my shorts.

I cried more and more, letting out all the feelings I had held in, I hated the way I felt, and I normally felt better after a good cry.

I wiped my eyes and picked up my phone, seeing more and more missed calls from Diego, Ignoring them, I went to instagram and had almost 3 thousand new comments, almost all of them were asking what was going on with Diego. I hated getting this kind of attention, though. People wanting to know everything, before Diego started talking to me my account was personal to me and my followers. There were still a lot of them, but I didn't feel so  exposed. I wanted attention for my art, not dumb relationship problems.

Deciding to let them wonder, I went to my instagram story camera and switched to the front camera, I turned the car music down a little and started to sing along.

I pressed record and stared into the camera.

"Cry baby, cry baby

I need to cry, baby

Cry baby, cry baby

You need to cry, baby

Cry baby, cry baby

We need to cry

And if we do, I know that would be alright"

I let go of the record button and posted it. I set my phone down and let the last few tears out. And I was right, I did feel better. The sun started to set more, so I got out of my car and sat on the bench.

I closed my eyes and let the soft breeze pass through my hair as the birds sang their last song before nightfall. Something about nature had always calmed me down, but I didn't have much time for it, I was inside almost all day everyday making art and posting new pictures.

Sometimes I thought I was too caught up in it, but at the same time, this is my job, my career, people buy outfits, custom outfits and paintings I make, there's no reason I should stop. Not for friends, not for a boy and definetly not for dumb feelings I had for a boy.

Somehow those thoughts made me feel worse, I shouldn't call him or my feelings dumb, I was too soft hearted.

The feeling of someone sitting down on the bench interrupted my thoughts, I opened my eyes and looked to the right of me to see another boy, who frankly, looked worse than I did, sitting there beside me.

"Rough day, huh?" He said as he looked at me.

I furrowed my brows.

"Your cheeks have tear stains on them."

"Probably cause I was crying, rough day is an understatement" I sighed.

"Care to talk about what's going on?"

I shook my head. "I'm just dumb, and cheaters are dumb too."

He nodded. "Cheaters are the worst. Just broke up with my girl."

We sat in comfortable silence for a few minutes.

"What's your name?"

"Rose, yours?"

"Mason."

"Nice to meet you mason. Do you come up here on bad days?"

He nodded. "A lot actually."

"I just came up here last week with my bo- ex. ex boyfriend."

"That sucks, I hate making memories with people at places like this and it turns to shit, you know?"

I nodded.

We sat there for a few more minutes before I said that I had to go, but before I got up he gave me his number.

"Whenever you need to talk to someone, I'm here, you know?"

I nodded and took the piece of paper with his number scribbled on it. I got up and trudged to my car, getting in and setting the piece of paper on the passenger seat.

Taking in a deep breath, I started up the car and left the parking lot. I still didn't want to go home.