Synesthetes // Lil Xan

17

Chapter 17

I drove through the town for the majority of the night, playing music loudly and trying to get my mind off of what had happened. My raw spots started to sting from not being taken care of and my phone continued to go off, calls and messages from Diego and Olivia, and some other friends I occasionally talk to. Igoring all of them, I continued to drive.

I didn't know where I was going, or what I really wanted to do, I couldn't escape the feelings I had, they always caught up to me no matter what I did. Sure, I could get high, but the feelings are just gonna be there when I come back down, and breaking 2 years clean isn't going to help anything.

Eventually I headed back home, when I pulled into the driveway I quickly walked inside and locked the front door behind me. Sighing, I walked to the kitchen and started to make myself some macaroni and cheese.

While the noodles were boiling, I decided to check my phone. My instagram story already had 10k views, which is a lot more than my normal 3k for the first few hours of it. I had replies turned on, so my DM's were flooded.

I checked them and behold, one from diego.

xanxiety: please don't cry, baby

Shaking my head, I left him on seen and went to imessage. He'd sent me so many messages.

Diego: Babygirl I was high

Diego: I know that's not an excuse but I was and the guys wanted to party and those girls meant nothing to me I didn't do anything with them

I rolled my eyes and continued reading.

Diego:babygirl answer me

Diego: nobody compares to you I promise

Diego: you mean a lot to me babygirl

My vision started to go blurry as I typed my reply.

rose:you don't even know me. we hung out for a few days. I thought you were so blue and now you're all gray and black like all the rest of them, leave me alone.

I set down my phone and finsihed making dinner. I sat at the table and ate in silence. Everything around me was gray. I didn't feel like listening to the colorful notes of leonard cohen, or the subtle but meaningful lyrics of lana del rey. I didn't want to poison my favorite artists with this bad experience. When I listen to them I want to feel good, not shitty about an ex.

After I finished eating, I washed the dishes and walked up to my bedroom, closing the door behind me. I laid down in bed, covering up with blankets and letting out more tears spill from my eyes. I cried, and I cried loudly. I hated getting attached to someone in such a short time because this would always happen. I was always too stupid to realize that boys don't want me, they want other girls who are gonna put out for them. And I wouldn't do that, not for any boy in the world.

It wasn't the fact that it was Diego, sure he was attractive and gentle, but of course he ended up like all the rest of them, minus the constant emotion trauma. It was the fact that somebody had to hurt me again, after all that I've been through, after having nothing but pure intentions this is what I get in return.

I sighed and got up out of bed, I took off my outfit and put on my fluffy pink robe, deciding that I would post again.