In Tongues | Jojian

VI

"I think I'm gonna jump."

Joji started silently hitting Meg, mouthing something she couldn't understand while he tried desperately to think of something to say. He was one word away from losing the one thing he cares about in life...

He can't make this about himself.

"Ian. I can't talk to you unless you promise me that you'll take two big steps away from the ledge, okay?" Joji felt the way his heart leapt into his throat, the way it was hard to breathe, the way hands started shaking. He felt it way too strongly and he was trying desperately to get over it.

What a perfect time to have a panic attack.

"Why?"

Why? What a stupid question.

"Because if I try to talk to you knowing I'm one word away from losing the only thing I love I don't think I'll be able to form sentences."

Joji heard a long silence, then two very faint footsteps from the other side of the line and sighed in relief. "Why am I backing up?" Ian asked, sounding like it was more of a question to himself than to Joji.

"Why are you on the rooftop in the first place? What's making you even consider that?"

"I don't know. I just... I don't really see why I shouldn't. I'm losing my fucking mind. I don't even know what I'm doing half of the time I'm doing it, it feels like I'm not even living in reality. My boyfriend... he's loving and he takes care of me but there are the nights when he drinks too much and the cuts from last time are still healing. And I still fucking love you, no matter how much I've been trying to shove that down. But I've been told by everyone, I've even told myself, that I can't go back to being with you.

"They tell me that I'll ruin my life being with you, and that it's unhealthy for me. And I feel like they're right, but I don't think they understand that I've literally been going mad since we broke up. It hurts so bad. I don't know how to fix it though, because if I go back to you, if you even want to take me back, they all say it'll be unhealthy. But if I stay with Eric, hell, even if I'm alone, I think that I'm gonna go so crazy that I'll need a straight jacket. I don't feel like there are any better reasons right now."

Joji was working to process all that information, when Meg came back with something in her hands.

"Ian... this might be a really bad idea that I'm suggesting, but why don't you come here to talk about everything? I-I can make you tea or coffee or something like that, you must be fucking freezing, and it'll be easier to talk to me in person."

There was a long moment of silence, and Joji was absolutely terrified by it. Maybe he said the wrong thing, maybe he scared Ian away, maybe something about his words made Ian reconsider jumping.

But then he gave an answer that made Joji's heart leap, and for the first time since breaking up with Ian, Joji felt... hopeful.

"That sounds really nice. I'll start walking there now."