In Tongues | Jojian

VIX

Ian missed a lot of things.

He missed when he was ten years old, and he'd sit inside playing video games with his brothers all day; he missed when he was thirteen and he cared too much about what that girl in second period thought about him; he missed when he was sixteen and he'd do dumb bullshit with his friends after school; he missed when he was twenty one and worked a dumb job while making stupid YouTube videos on the side; he missed when he was twenty four and he'd just started dating Joji.

He missed all the love and bliss from his relationship. The nights spent smoking cigarettes in bed at three am, staying up the entire time and having conversations that would never see the light of day. The afternoons when Joji would blindfold him and say he had a surprise, and Ian would pretend he didn't know what it was, even though they both knew Joji had set up a "picnic" on the roof of three apartment to watch the sunset.

But Ian also didn't miss a lot of things.

He didn't miss when he was ten years old, and he would sit crying in his brother's room as they heard their parents screaming in another room; he didn't miss when he was thirteen, and he bought a flower for the girl in second period, who told all her friends it was from somebody else; he didn't miss when he was sixteen and he kissed a boy, but was shoved down the staircase and called a fag the next week by the same boy; he didn't miss when he was twenty one and barely even surviving because all he had was his dumb job and stupid YouTube videos.

He didn't miss when he was twenty four and had to explain to his parents that he was moving halfway across the country to live with a guy he loved, and he definitely doesn't miss the scars after that.

He didn't miss the pain and frustration from his relationship. Catching his boyfriend getting high on the balcony and carrying on the same old argument. Trying to go out to eat, but staying in because one of them wasn't mentally able, and instead of working through it the other storming away.

But Ian absolutely missed sitting on this couch with Joji, drinking something eight times hotter than hell and talking about everything. And it felt exactly like old times when Joji held him tightly and they sat under a blanket discussing what exactly was happening to Ian.

"I have one important question for you." Joji said, looking at Ian with all the love he had before he left, if not more. Ian quietly asked him to continue, a little scared of what it would be. "What made you want to jump?"

He had to take a moment to think back to why. He felt cold again, but he still felt a little warm because of Joji, which helped. Ian took his mind back to the ledge, back to pulling out his phone and dialing Joji without a second thought. "There are a lot of ways to answer that question. It's just... I don't love my boyfriend, the way I should at least. I think he's hot and I enjoy his company, he has enough money and he takes care of me, but I just can't love him the way I love you." Ian saw Joji's face when he said love, not loved, but he kept speaking.

"I still think about you. A lot. I still cry when I hear one of your songs, I still remember you every time I smoke a cigarette, I still feel my heart burn like it's on fire whenever Max or Eric say anything about you. That's the only thing I really even feel anymore. Aside from heartache, its just numbness. Maybe I'm depressed or some gay shit like that.

"Earlier tonight, I got into a fight with Eric and just left the apartment. I made my way to Max's apartment without a lot of actual thought, and we talked for a little bit. Then I just kind of... I don't know. I left quickly and ended up on the roooftop. And that's the first time it occurred to me that there's nothing stopping me, y'know? And the more I thought about it, the more I realized that there wasn't a reason I shouldn't. 

"But then I thought about you. And it hurt my heart to think of anybody but you being the last person I talked to, so I called you to hear your voice one more time. I still felt like I was in a dream the entire time. It was so surreal I almost jumped to check if I was asleep. But I'm alive. Not sure if that's good or bad just yet."

Joji was quiet for a while, thinking deeply about everything he just heard. "I think it's good. I still love you, Ian. Just as much as before we broke up. I never stopped. And I don't want to make you think about this right now, I only want you to think about yourself and the present moment, but, if you ever do decide to come back," he paused midway through the clear his throat, trying to ignore the tears threatening to spill. "I'm willing to try. I'll do everything I can to avoid what happened last time. I'll fucking cherish you and never, ever take you for granted again. You always have a place in my heart, and I'm so glad you're here right now."

Ian started crying softly as Joji finished speaking, turning in Joji's arms so he could pull him close. "Do you mean that?"

"Ian, I would go to hell and back if it meant being able to hold you in my arms like this one more time."

They didn't talk for a while. They both needed time to regather their thoughts. "I don't know if I should jump back into being on the level we used to, y'know? I think I need to take it slow..." Ian took a moment to go over his thoughts, and thankfully so, because he realized, "Fuck, I still have to talk to Eric."

He felt Joji go a bit rigid at the mention of Ian's boyfriend. "Where are you gonna live?"

"Not sure... I'll probably ask Max if I can stay there. I think he'll say yes, as log as I pay some rent. I'm kinda tired, can we think about this in the morning?"

Joji nodded and stood, offering Ian a hand. "You can have my bed for tonight—"

"Can you stay with me? Please?" Ian held onto Joji tightly, giving him a hopeless look. "I don't want to be alone tonight."

"Of course. I'll never leave you alone."