In Tongues | Jojian

XII

Joji's heart tried desperately to escape his chest as he heard Ian promise not to get mad. It's not that he really cared about his answer— that's a lie, he cared a lot— but he told himself he just wanted to know before continuing whatever the hell he was doing with Ian.

"Do you love Eric?"

Ian looked off somewhere unknown as he spoke, his eyes carefully taking in their surroundings. "I can't tell. Maybe I do a little. But maybe I just liked the sense of security and stability he gave, y'know? He just... so normal. And I was a mess, so I guess I gravitated towards that."

Joji nodded thoughtfully as some pancakes were placed on the table, and an offer was made for more coffee. They both instantly agreed. Joji picked at his pancakes as he mulled over his next words, wanting to choose carefully. He was terrified that he'd say the wrong thing and lose Ian again. "Are you gonna break up with him?"

Ian sighed and took a long sip from his coffee cup. "I'm scared."

"Of what?"

"Of him."

Joji took yet another long silence. He shoved some banana pancakes into his mouth and chewed slowly, procrastinating the conversation. "Has he ever hurt you?"

It was Ian's turn to procrastinate the conversation, his Nutella-smothered food filling Joji's head with countless memories. But he wouldn't focus on that, he needed to keep his mind on the most important thing right now: Ian.

"He never meant it."

"Ian—"

"It's only ever been when he was drunk or if we were fighting, okay?"

"Ian you can't stay with someone if—"

"Joji, I know I shouldn't have stayed with him if he hurt me, don't give me that. I'm not a dumbass."

"You knew it was bad but you still stayed?"

"Joji—"

"Why, Ian? Why wouldn't you leave after the first time? Or the second, or the third, or however the fuck many times he's hurt you. Why would you stay with someone after that?"

"Because I was trying to get over you!" Ian said that a little too loudly, he realized, seeing as he caught some unwanted attention. "I was— probably still am— head over heels for you. I was an absolute wreck, and he kept me grounded. I was... am... dangerous to myself at times, that much I know. So what if he hit me on occasion? I usually was being a piece of shit anyways. I needed something, anything, that could keep me from entirely losing my mind, and that just happened to be him."

"Did I... do that to you?"

"Jesus Christ, no, I've always been this way. I mean yeah, our breakup made it worse— and the relationship before that— but that's just a part of my brain."

"I'm sorry. I must seem like the biggest asshole in the world, huh?"

Ian chewed on his pancakes thoughtfully, a sight Joji has missed more than anything. "No. You're still an amazing person. I know that about you. You have a heart of gold, and you try to hide it, but I can see how much of a genuinely caring person you are. I've just always been super fucked up."

"I guess this is a conversation we should've had a long time ago."

They both stayed quiet and ate their food for fifteen minutes before Joji got hit in the face by something mushy and sticky. He looked up in horror to see Ian smiling and holding his fork in launch-position. "You absolute mother fucker."

Ian started cracking up over himself a little too soon, because his smiles were met with an especially syrupy bit of pancake. "Fucking cunt! I can't believe you did that"

It quickly escalated into a battle, with threats of water and coffee and syrup bottles. It was exactly like usual, which filled Joji's body with a long forgotten type of warmth and pure joy. The wide grin on his face was his constant companion through the "warfare."

And when the waitress finally came by with the check, and they fought over who'd be allowed to pay, Joji couldn't help but let his mind be flooded with countless memories of when they'd first started dating. It had been a long, long time since he'd felt like this, and he physically couldn't stop himself from placing a hesitant kiss on Ian's lips once they were finally outside.

Ian smiled and kissed him a second time before stealing the car keys out of Joji's pocket. "I was worried you were reaching somewhere else for a second there," he joked with a laugh.

Ian rolled his eyes and grabbed Joji's hand. "You wish."

"That's really fuckin' gay."

"You're really fuckin' gay."

"I'm bisexual, faggot."

Joji couldn't help but wonder if Ian also felt like he had a million matches being lit in his heart.