over those couple of months without ethan, i felt like i might go insane. we've been on maybe three dates, and he asked me to be his on the first one. i felt an instant connection with him, and now he's just disappeared. he's just like evan, shit. i had made him the center of my thoughts now, and he hasn't texted me or anything since he left my house on that tuesday.
"mama, it's your turn." beth snaps me from my thoughts, and when i look up, sebastian is nearly sitting on the table as he's desperate to see the entire candyland board and all of its colors and characters. i draw a card and move my piece before letting my thoughts wander to ethan again.
where did he go?
why hasn't he called, texted?
is it me?
did i do something wrong?
i find myself pushing away from the table to go out to the back patio for some fresh air. why did i care so much? it isn't like i've known the guy for years and years. i pace the concrete patio, running my hand over my face. that's when my eyes catch a glimpse of something on the coffee table.
a picture of evan and i that i never took down. all the good times with him, thrown away. all of it fucking thrown away, and for what i've got no idea. i take the picture frame in my hands, shaking as anger bubbles up inside me. my pedicures fingers dance over the glass of the frame, and i inspect the people in the photo. how happy and in love they are.
the picture was taken on my phone with a self timer, and evan and i had just finished the house. it was picture perfect. him and i were standing in the driveway, his arm securely around my shoulder as he stood behind me, and i was smiling the biggest smile i've ever seen.
i don't cry, i don't even know if i'm still breathing, as i throw the picture frame onto the sand of the beach. i then crouch down, my butt nearly hitting the concrete, and i look toward the ocean, putting my thumb in my mouth, contemplating what to do next. staring at the water, my eyes well with tears, and i slightly rock back and forth on my heels. my head fills with thoughts my marriage that suddenly fell apart, hitting me like a ton of bricks, and i was dumb enough to never have seen it coming.
standing up, i stroll my way onto the beach, plopping my butt in the sand. the california breeze bites at my arms, and i run my hands up and down them. the kids probably gave up on their game and parked in the living room to watch tv because mommy isn't in the house.
then my bottom lip begins to quiver. then tears start to roll down my cheeks. then i feel a touch on my shoulders. i don't pull away.
"it's okay. you're okay." the voice is soothing in my ear, goosebumps arise on my skin, and i lean into the strong chest behind me.
and then i cry. i haven't cried this hard in months, and i thought i was done with all of it. i tried to hide this all from my kids. they don't need to see any of this, and i hope none of them ever experience this pain in their lives. it hurts so bad knowing that i'll have to tell them that their dad, their superhero, their favorite person in the whole world, isn't coming back for them.
not for me. not for anyone.
"where were you?" i ask through my tears while his arms wrap around me right underneath my chest, pulling me in tight.
"i had to go away for a bit, but i'm back i promise. and i will never leave you again."
♡♡♡♡
Oops! This image does not follow our content guidelines. To continue publishing, please remove it or upload a different image.
