I sit on the bathroom floor and listen to the shower poor into the bath tub, the room heats up and slowly the mirrors fog and steam fills the room. I smile and lean my head back into the cupboard behind me while I wait for the water to be scolding hot I prepare my things. I take my razor blades out of the little basket under the sink that I keep them in and lay them out, largest to smallest order. I stare for a moment at the cuts that are beggining to heal and again, feel a small smile creep onto my face. I run my hands over them gently and think about my routine, about how often I do this, and about how good it feels.
Standing up I walk over to the shower and stick my hand in the water for a moment, I feel how hot it as and look at my palm, begginning to now turn red I flinch and pull my hand out... This is always the worst part. I step into the shower and and close my eyes as I step into the water and let it scold me. I allow it to burn the entire back of my body from neck to ass and feel myself trying not to scream. When I can't take the pain anymore I step away and feel all of my breath slide out of my body in a huff. I turn around so i'm staring right at the water and walk into it, I almost begin to cry as it sears the front and sides of my body, I fall backward and land on my ass and dig my fingers into my legs trying to hold in the screams.
Quickly, before my skin gets cold and harder to slice through I stand up and get out of the shower, I sit back in my spot with my blades layed out in front of me I grab the thickest and one that's most sharp, using my other hand I glay my palm flat on my hip and pull the skin taught. I take one deep breath and sink the blade down into my hip, exhaling violently as I do so I slide it across the length of my hip and bite my lip, soon the pain disperses and I feel a smile grow on my face, I cut again, and again and again. Over and Over, i stare down after I cut my left side to many times to count and watch the blood drip down the side of my body. I put hte large blade down and reach for the smaller one, smiling slightly still.
The blade sinks in with ease and as I pull it across my side I dont gasp, as it cuts deep into my skin I lean my head back and moan quietly, My body craves this pain, it needs it more than it needs most things, more than it needs food or water, it craves this like you woukd crave heroine. It makes my body feel like its floating and then afterward the pain keeps me awake, keeps me going and keeps me alive. I smile as feel the blood begin clot one my skin, becoming sticky and hard, a dark red now instead of bright crimson.
I bring my legs up to my chest and hug myself tight, and stand up turn the hot water warm and step into the shower and lean my head against the wall allowing the water to poor over my body and wash the blood away, I watch as the water going down the drain goes from bright noticable red to a light color to normal water. I feel my sides as the skin around the cuts begins to swell. I stop the water and get out of the shower, wrapping myself tightly in a towel I walk over and pick up my razor blades and put them back into their spot underneith the sink.
I wipe the steam from the window and stare at myself for a while, Im skinny and kind of tall, I have sharp features and mousey brown hair, its wavey and long, I have sharp features, not like most girls, my cheek bones are high and my nose is skinny, my lips are full, but small and fit my face well... my breasts, they're decent sized, I mean they're large for someone as skinny as I am, but I'm not going to complain. I'm not ugly, I have the body that most girls want and my eyes are a light violet color, my skin is pale and I have no blemishes. Im lucky to look the way that I do.
I unlock the bathroom door and pick up clothes before walking down the hall into my bedroom. Its cozy, brown walls, dimly lit and posters of bands hanging all over the walls. My bed is low to the ground and has white bedding with a tree and leaf pattern on it, an earthy room, comfortable and cozy. It makes me feel safe and warm and comfortable.
I close the door and let my towel fall off my body and go and lay down on my bed, its soft, but I feel my skin begin to tighten as goosbumps rise over my body. I shiver, and roll over on to my stomach and pull one of my pillows closer to me, I hug it tightly, wrapping both my arms and legs around it with my eyes tightly closed.
Someone knocks on the door gently and I open my eyes, realising only now that I'd fallen asleep, it's dark outside and the smell of food wafts upstairs, My stomach growls and quickly sit up, surprised by how long I slept for. "huh? Yeah?" I call out to the person knocking, louder than intended. "Who is it?"
"It's Dad. Dinner is ready hunny, is everything alright?" He asks, sounding genuinly concerned, it brings a sting to my eyes because it feels strange to feel as though someone notices that I'm not entirely okay.
"Yeah, dad, just give me a minute, I'm going to change and then I'll come downstairs, alright?" He doesnt respond, I just hear footsteps walking away from my door and then down the stairs until I cant hear them anymore. I quickly get up and rummage through my dresser to find something baggy to wear for dinner. I end up deciding on black sweatpants and a white T-shirt, something baggy enough and thick enough that if the cuts start to bleed it wont sink through, and ods are they will... start to bleed that is. I cut deeper than intended and they sting pretty severely, meaning that they'll probably split open.
I walk downstairs for dinner and see my mom, my dad, my sister and my nephew sitting at the dinner table, they look like one big happy family, the boys are identical twins, twelve years old and pretty handsome, my dad is getting older, hes fourt eight and his hair is starting to go white, he has a kind face though, always looks like he's smiling. My sister is tiny, short and skinny, twenty nine looks like she's nineteen, and my mom, the most gorgeous woman I've ever met in my whole life. Built like a model she has almost the same face as audry hepburn.
"Hey sleepy head." My sister Rhea says and laughs a little bit. "You okay?" I smile and nod at her without actually replying to her question. She frowns, I dont think she knows that I notice but I do...
"yeah, Just tired haha sorry, exams... I'm feeling tired is all." I smile at her, a forced and fake smile, but a smile none the less. It seems to calm her, because she gets up, grabs her plate and starts dishing herself out some Cottage pie, Its ground beef with cream corn and poatoes... So good, one of my favorite foods, no wonder it smelt so good.the boys follow her, and then me and then mom and dad get their food. We all go and sit at the table at eat, they engage in usual dinner time small talk "How was your day? What did you do at school? Hows work?" Normal things, that normal people talk about... But I just sit there, I sit and watch them talk, analyze how they feel and I just don't understand. Because I don't feel that way, I can't just be normal I feel empty or numb or angry and then every once in a while I feel unnaturally happy, extatic to a point that just doesnt make sense.
How does it work? To just feel things at a rate which is normal. I dont know... Because Im'm never just angry, Im furious, I get so angry that I want to breakt things and scream. I get so sad I contemplate killing myself. I get so happy that I feel like I could fly. But I'm never moving at a constant rate, It's all extremes, like a roller coaster that doesnt stop going, up and down, loops and circles. I hate it, I hate feeling this way all the time.
I get up abruptly from the table and shove my plate away, I ignore my families protests as I walk up the stairs to my bedroom and begin to cry.. I lay there as tears stream down my face until I can't cry anymore If only they knew....
