Try-Hard, Sin Harder

35. Him

Even cast in shadows, my room seemed a little brighter. 

 Yes, my heart still ached from Alex, but this time it was different. Somewhere in the back of my mind, a voice told me things would get easier. I would just have to bring my walls down and let others reach me. The voice was right, and I knew there were others who were waiting for me. But I was scared. Thinking about losing another person I cared about made me more terrified than when I had climbed up that tree as a child. This was beyond my phobias. 

 It was more like a nightmare I couldn't wake from. 

  But as much as I didn't want to let any of them in, I also couldn't bring myself to lose them. No matter how stubborn or distant I grew, they were always there. Waiting. They were always waiting for me to tell them when I needed them. I once thought that the silent agreement had disappeared. Looking back on everything, I realized that it had done quite the opposite. The agreement had blossomed into somewhat of a bond that linked the eight of us together. United, we mollified and empowered each other. Separated, we fell apart. I had noticed it during their speech to Jihun. Only when the seven of them reached out to me did I realize where I stood in all of this. 

 If they were the building, then I was not the earthquake, but the earth beneath them.  

 If I cracked, they'd shatter.

 If I split, they'd collapse.

 If I vanished, they wouldn't exist. 

 There wasn't anything anyone could do to save them from me. I knew I would eventually be the end of them. We would be the end of each other. It was sad, but it was true. 

 Now everything had become much more complicated. 

 There were seven of them. All seven of them had told me how they felt. But my own heart was behind closed doors, sealed off with chains and a padlock. I lost the key somewhere within my ocean. I began searching for it. At some point I registered that I didn't want to remain like this forever. I wanted to be happy again. Not just with BTS, but with my nephew and friends. I wanted to be with them so badly I felt like screaming. It wasn't just having them dead that terrified me. 

 I was more afraid of them walking out of my life. 

 Perhaps if I found the key, they would make everything easier. No, none of this would ever be easy. However, I knew that with them it would become more bearable. 

 So I turned the doorknob, and stepped out into the hallway. There was no way for me to, but I knew they were still in my apartment. My wavering gait froze after three steps. When a soft, mourning voice sounded from the den.  

"Don’t think about anything,
Don’t even speak,
Please just smile for me." 

 I peeked my head around the corner of the wall. There they were, all seven of them. They sat around my den, some on the couch, others on chairs or the floor, and one leaning against the far wall; his gaze lost somewhere beyond the glass door of my balcony. There was no music playing, but it didn't matter. They made their own. Their voices were as beautiful as any other instruments I had heard. 

 Then Taehyung, leaning against the back of my sofa with his chin tipped to the ceiling once again, continued the melody. His voice was silvery, and gentle. 

"I still can’t believe it,
Everything feels like a dream,
Don’t try to disappear." 

 The first voice returned. It was Jungkook. He sat on a chair across from Taehyung, and sang to the wooden floor. 

"Is it true? Is it true?
You, You,
So beautiful, so terrifying."