Thought spills

Noticing aliens

I feel like an alien. I mean don't get me wrong I know I'm human. When I hang out with my main friend group it feels almost as if they are

hanging out and I am watching. Like I could go do something for my mom and they would not notice I left. Or maybe they wouldn't notice if I left all together. I don't know honestly. Sometimes I feel like they all care and then sometimes I feel like they only care because I'm dating their best friend. Would they even be friends with me if him and I broke up? I know for sure at least one of them would be but the other three? I'm not sure. I hate that I feel this way. It makes me want to scream and punch the steering wheel while I drive. Would anyone notice if I was gone? Like anyone at all? I'm not saying I want to kill myself. I know what being suicidal feels like. Hell I was for years. I'm just saying if I packed up and left town would anyone notice?
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Sometimes I feel like mine and My boyfriend's relationship is falling apart. Sometimes I think it's going really great. And other times I just don't know anymore. I feel like I want more physical contact than he does. I feel like I want it more often. Sometimes I feel like he's attracted to me and other times I just don't know. Sometimes we feel like we're dating and sometimes it's as if we are best friends. Don't get me wrong we are best friends... it just feels as if we are only best friends and not dating. Would anyone notice if him and I weren't dating anymore? Would it be something that 'our' friends would/ could get torn up over? Or would they just not give a shit? I don't know.