Thought spills

What does it feel like to have an anxiety attack? How does it start?

Once again, this could be a trigger

My most recent was because of a gnat. Like The mini fruit fly type things? I looked down onto my coffee table and there it was. Before I was able to comprehend what it was my mind immediately went to lice. I don't do lice. Just thinking about it I can feel my head get fuzzy and my blood pressure drop. My unit at work has a really bad lice problem with the kids. It's not their fault, it's their shitty parents not caring for them. Lice spreads like wildfire. As staff, we get checked weekly. Because it is not my regular unit I didn't get weekly checks. This then gets me thinking about that. So in an attempt to slow my breathing I do my best at a lice check. The only problem with the human body is that one cannot see the back of their head. Lice like it back there. So at this point my breathing is constricted even more, because of the unknown. I sat for a while, I think I dissociated? I don't remember what i was doing but when i came back to it i was back to panicking. I take any jewelry off because it's touching my skin. It rubs against my skin and then Cutting pops into my mind. I've been doing really good lately and I definitely don't want to cut. I don't want it to come to that, because it doesn't give me the same relief that it did when i started 7 years ago. When I would make 1 cut then, I now have to make 6 or 7 to get the full relief. I'd once again be carving up my body. I then think about my scars and how gross they make me feel. I have the phrase,"Fat Ass" carved into my ribs/stomach and into my thigh. I don't want to be any uglier than I already am. At this point I am sitting on the stairs hyperventilating. The lice pops back into my head and I start itching. After a few minutes I stopped myself. I feel gross. I need to shower. I go down the stairs to my room and get my daily anti anxiety. I haven't taken it in a week and I know I need to get back on schedule with it. So I take that. I try getting my stuff together so i can shower. It takes me probably 6 times before I successfully do it. I bring the stuff into the living room. I am still panicking so I take 1mg of lorazepam. Lorazepam is the generic brand of ativan. i take that and the fact that i've only eaten 746 calories today makes me think about the possibly high i could get off of taking it on an empty stomach. So i preheat the airfryer that way when i am done showering i can make food. Then I take my stuff up to the bathroom and turn on the shower. It starts warm. I slowly turn the water colder. Then I adjust it colder. I do this again and again until it is as cold as it can go. By doing this forces me to take deep breaths. If it fails and I still hyperventilate, then I sit on the floor of the shower and hyperventilate until I pass out. That didn't happen this time, but when it does, I come back after a few minutes and am cold. Then I slowly raise the temperature so that I can feel my fingers and toes again. I shower like normal. well, other than the fact that i scrub my skin raw and brush my teeth for the 6th time since i woke up this morning. That's an OCD thing. I get dressed and sit on the couch and apologize to the person who unfortunately got the stick to the ass cheek during all of this."I'm sorry for my attitude. It was uncalled for." and then because the medication hasn't quite kicked in you have to send the," I understand if you don't want anything to do with me." message. Because this is the point where people leave. Then. I jumped to type this. And as I can feel the full effects of the medication, I do my best because everything is so foggy in my brain. It's as if my brain is saying,"you've just exhausted yourself. Your brain needs to heal."