Cosmic Confluence

Chapter 5: splitting

She told me to come with her. As we speed-walked down the sidewalk, abandoning school, I gained a gallon of worry with each step. I had no fucking clue where we were going but, I knew exactly what I was willingly getting myself into as I kept following her. However the weird part of me kept thinking how much of a rush it was to have really tangled myself into this unpredictable situation. This life I had was filled with endless possibilities. Giving into that impulse of making unordinary decisions could only expand on those possibilities. Like I've said before, I would be the dumbest one in a slasher film— always walking closer when there's a tap in the pitch black.

As we kept walking I analyzed what the rest of the day might look like. I began to feel my heart thump like prey. The unknown future was scary; but the kind of future where you only had vague and dreadful ideas of, may have been worse at the time. Jaymie and I were entering the territory of being too far away from school to turn back. However that's when I got the idea that Jaymie couldn't stop me from turning back and changing the course of this reality— deciding to extend my life by a little longer in this slasher film.

I tried to visualize how different of a reality I could branch off into only by turning around. Would it be easier? Would it be worse for her or for me? I asked myself over and over despite knowing what I wanted from the start.

I've been a selfish person more often than not, but my heart was too big. I persisted to walk alongside Jaymie, pretending I could see the ghost of the opposite decision play out behind me, then begin to rip away from my reality and form into its own.

I didn't think I would let myself turn around anyways, it was just an idea that came to me really. Thinking about changing the course of my entire day or week or month or year was usually just an idea the came to me and nothing more. It was considered, then decided against because I didn't want people or God herself to hate me.

Last week when I was waiting in dad's Camero which was parked on a steep hill, I wrapped my hand around the emergency break and basked in the indescribable feeling of being able to change the course of my life drastically. However as you can probably guess, I let things be and didn't make my dad's car wreck at the bottom of the hill with my bones along with it.

These ideas of doing such wild and unpredictable things sometimes really upset me as well. I've looked at my cat and realized that nobody was stopping me from jumping on her and crushing her. I've looked at the cross during church and realized that nobody was stopping me from screaming blasphemy until my throat began to tear. I've looked at people and realized that nobody was stopping me from doing something really bad to them. And I mean really bad. I couldn't suppress the ideas once they formed. No matter how much I knew I wouldn't let myself do something so awful, it still made me feel like I was God's unruly mistake.

I was thinking about this all as I kept following Jaymie, how I actually considered abandoning her when I knew exactly what was going on and understood she needed me out of all people for safety.

I sighed, ashamed. I reasoned Jaymie must've heard me sigh when she glanced behind herself for a split second.

"You're being awfully quiet for Mary, why haven't you said anything?"

How I hated to get into a character to properly lie about big things.

"I'm just thinking about leaving school and how I'm gonna explain to my dad that I was gone for the whole day. Is it so weird for me to freak out silently for once?"

"Yes," Jaymie said sternly, but she didn't mean it.

A few moments later I piped up asking, "where are we going by the way?"

"My house."

"Oh," I said perplexedly. To think that I had initially foreseen us adventuring through the woods made me feel a little foolish for being kind of excited to do that.

"I need to talk to you in a place where nobody is watching."

Holy shit.

I sped up to face Jaymie, making her halt. Before I could freak out like she had expected me to earlier, I was interrupted by a hand to my mouth.

"I'll tell you when I feel safe." She glanced from side to side then rested her grey eyes on mine. I removed her hand from my covering my mouth because I didn't like people touching my face, and then we ventured on.

I could've burst out crying at any given moment from how scared I was. To go through this all over again wasn't something my mental health could take and I didn't know how to prevent it. But maybe that was just the way it had to be— unfair. Fate was unforgiving no matter what because at the end of everything you fucking died.

I didn't know what I was going to do.

We arrived to her house which was strangely just how I imagined it being. Despite us being good friends (and girlfriends at one point as well) I hadn't actually ever been to her house. Right as I stepped inside my ears pained from her fat dog named Bolt barking at me. Jaymie loved dogs with all her heart; and sometimes I believed maybe dogs were the only things she truly loved. Not long ago her second dog who was epileptic died of what one could only guess. She didn't come to school that day. I was remembering all of this as I pet Bolt in an attempt to get him familiarized with me.

Jaymie still wasn't telling me much. I especially felt that fact was true when she grabbed my wrist with her—as I jokingly called them—yaoi hands (look it up), then rushed me to her room. Once she slammed the door behind us, Jaymie began to check every nook and cranny of her room like a paranoid spy. I already knew what most of her room looked like from videos she's showed me of her other friends doing stupid stuff in there, but I couldn't focus on the details now. I knew some shit was about to go down.

Hastily drawing her curtains shut, Jaymie then swerved around to face me finally. From rushing around every which way, there was a lot of strands of hair in her face, and not to mention her eyes were wide and fear-struck.

She looked kind of fucking crazy. I gulped.

"Are you ready?" She asked me.