Cosmic Confluence

Chapter 13: crimson pang

A cigarette rested on his lip whilst his eyes rested on me. Both weren't moving. He looked scared. 

In that moment I felt such an intense pang in my chest which felt like the color crimson. You know what I mean. Above my head hovered the options for what reality I could let this split into. I could turn the other way like I should. Or I could approach him like I shouldn't. And trust me, the consequences for what I shouldn't do were very real. I still felt that crimson pang. 

I knew he was hurting, and far more than I was. He kept on staring at me. He stared at me in the way an animal in a trap would, silently begging for me to go away. But I didn't want this vulnerability to be his demise. If I could just make the trap a little looser then maybe he'd start on his way to healing.  

"I heard about Mack," I said softly, my voice drifting into the empty air.

My words rang in his head until it made his eyes start to swell with tears. Elijah's face never had a more distinguished look of betrayal, sadness, fear, and need. It all made me want to hold him as close as I could. But before I could say anything else, he ran away. 

All that was left was his cigarette bud on the pavement and the crimson pang in my chest. 

He needed my help, but my help was not his escape.

I decided I'd weep about this at home.

A conversation of a funeral outside the cafe, grey remains of roadkill from weeks ago, chimes in the wind on someone's porch. These were a few things I observed whilst listening to the song "Talk" by Fog Lake on my walk home. 

 " you know I hold it against me 

 come back I know you remember me 

 they say I was always crazy 

 you know it's all I talk about"

At home I still didn't feel like breathing was any easier. I pet my dog when she greeted me. She looked up at me with those old brown eyes of hers as I stroked those soft ears. She didn't know I was bound to die soon. She didn't know there would come a time where her girl would stop entering through the door after school. She didn't know there would come a time where her girl wouldn't be there to play in the backyard. She didn't know. I couldn't even tell her if I wanted to. 

I felt my face swell. I felt my eyes begin to sting with tears. And I felt everything break down around me. I began to cry as I continued petting Nelly. 

"what a sweet girl you are," I told her.

And what a sweet girl she was.

After crying into my dog's fur for a few minutes I got up to go to my room so I could blast even more emotional music like the sad bitch I was. Before I could lose myself in thoughts of bad things that happened and I knew I could have prevented, my phone rang. It was Jaymie.

"Hey Mary."

"Hi, what do you want?"

"Don't be fucking rude. I was just checking to make sure we're still on for tonight. It's just that you haven't mentioned the sleepover in awhile so..." 

I felt that crimson pang again. And it really hit me hard. I was suddenly in a panic.

"R-right, uh, right. Yes you guys can still come over, if you want to." 

"Okay, Kenzie and I will be there at seven."

Fuck. 

Me.

I feared being alone tonight as I did all the time, but I feared I wouldn't be alone for long. And I wasn't talking about my friends. You know what I mean. I got the worst feeling about it. I should've just called her back to call it off. Jaymie would understand, I know she would. She would understand, she would understand. But I still didn't want to be alone. I couldn't stand being in this empty house while the dark night outside was a void of uncertainty and evil. Why did I care if I knew I would die anyways?! Why would it matter if my friends could prevent my death for one night?! There wouldn't be any point if I am to die on a night soon afterwards. And why should I care if I die alone or not? It's not like I'll care once I'm a corpse. 

But it felt like I was already a corpse, and I did care. 

I didn't want to die alone.

I didn't want to die alone.  

Even if it was the most selfish thing I've ever asked for.

I was truly God's unruly mistake.