UNDERGOING REWRITE // Apples [Ledger Joker x OC]

Heath; 10 Years (a long talk)

*After proofreading this just as I've stopped crying and have kinda come down from the sadness, what i wanted to say is that Heath inspired the most important parts of me, and with his Joker came all of these stories, and my passion for writing. I found it actually rather difficult to talk about Heath here- it's honestly just a stream of thought and as usual, the Joker completely steals it- but know that he is on my mind every day, and 10 years is so painfully long for such an amazing person to be lost. I miss him a lot. I miss him a big heckin lot.

I've tried to keep this 'tribute' positive. I've tried to keep this almost-eulogy inspirational and heartfelt and motivational. I've rewritten it almost five times now and this is my sixth and hopefully final attempt. I just can't lie anymore. I can't pretend like we all don't know Heath and how goddamn much he means to me and every single one of you reading this- I just can't be fake and make a perfect speech, split into perfect paragraphs, almost outlining his life. Fuck this, man. I'm in pain. I'm hurting so, so much, and although I know this is about celebrating his life, I'm in mourning. I'm keeping this tribute true, and I'm going to spill my heart out (but not all of it).

Behold; the insane and extremely lengthy ramblings of a girl who fell in love with a dead man.

Today has been one of the bleakest, strangest days of my life. To summarise it, I attended the funeral of my step-grandfather, but I did not mourn him. Yes, I know that sounds cruel, but hear me out. We just really weren't that close and I barely knew him, plus he came from my step-father's side, a man whose verbal abuse has been one of the main sources of my social anxiety for years- so I suppose it's difficult to really let the death of someone who was sort of just a background thought affect me much. Still, I hope he's resting well.

Back to the point. Of course I knew that today would be the anniversary of Heath's passing, and it was only sick coincidence that it fell on the day I was attending a funeral. So I should be mourning the death of two people, right? My step-grandfather and Heath. Sat there in the front pew of the chapel, I ended up just... staring off at the abundance of flowers next to this dead man's coffin, his eternal tomb, and I began to drown in the complete tranquility of disassociated silence. And I mourned. Quietly, and without crying, I mourned in my own head, disjointed from the world entirely. Followed by a wake at a local pub where I just kept drinking vodka-cokes to quiet my own thoughts (lightweight teen over here), I was just dying to go home. This wasn't the funeral I wanted to attend.

Now I know that all that sounds extremely selfish- and don't worry, I'm getting to Heath in a minute- but I've never really had the misfortune of dealing with a lot of close relative deaths. I can't even name more than three relatives that I'm actually close to. I've just always kept to myself, write, done my own thing and minded my own business. Anyone close to me had died when I was such a young age that I can hardly remember what loving them even felt like. God, I must sound so fucking bitter. I do have a soul, by the way, please believe me.

But anyway, I have this tradition where I buy a white candle for Heath and I light it two days a year: once on his death anniversary and once on his birthday. I've done so since 2015, even though I've of course known him for a little longer than that.

Again, I'll get to Heath in a minute, but I just have to talk about the Joker for a second.

I understand that a lot of people like Ace of Spades, and, though I've grown out of it (it's so cliché how do u not even see omg), I'll never take it down. That story was written at a time where I needed it, where I needed the Joker, where I needed a place to run to. Ace of Spades was written entirely out of raw and unfiltered love (even though my thoughts on his character has now evolved and I realise that he was very uncharacteristic in that story). Even so, the Joker has been the backbone of my sanity, as ironic as that sounds. And yes, I know, I sound completely fucking nuts.