I am no one, I'm nothing

Capitulo Diecinueve

Aldonza squeezed her thighs against the fair Pimento and with a loud cry moved the horse forward, bouncing on its cantering form as the wind took her hair in its grips and allowed it to billow, like a stray curtain or flowing banner. She rode through the tall fields of maize and felt the wind nip lovingly at her skin, her face, her exposed calves that were sitting sideways on the animal. It was a lazy, determined ride. The young woman could be paying the least amount of attention possible, yet she knew she would be kept from the alluring arms of danger. The animal knew where it was going, had roamed these fields many times before, and was strong, decisive. It was the Padre's prized possession, and she had only been able to convince him to let her ride it after weeks of religious training.

As a part of their ploy, Aldonza had been adamantly involved with the Padre, learning the rules of discipleship, what it meant to fully give up the sinful nature of the past and how to commit herself to her heavenly Father. These classes lasted hours, half days. There were days spent where she would fast from dawn until dusk and then have another round of study before eating a meager meal of rice and beans at half past midnight. Usually she became sick from this forced food. "The body needs nutrients, but only so much." The Padre would tell her as he held her hair back as the vile liquid and bile escaped her bent over, wracked form. "You must purge yourself of the earthly sin and fill yourself up with the armor of righteousness, mi hija."

During these times Pedro would watch from the shadows, helpless and unable to do anything as to not distract, give away their disguise. It killed him inside, to see her in so much pain and be unable to do anything. Yet this was the road they had chosen. They had to see just how far others would go so that they would know how to escape. It was simply not feasible for them to stay here forever; not only did they not want to, they could not ask to be guests for such a long time, no matter if they were deemed 'hopeless' or not. They were human beings. They were bound to make mistakes, but they were also bound to follow their hearts, trust in their minds to help them survive even the deadliest of situations. In many respects, they were following their own impossible dream. They were all insane, honestly; perhaps too much sanity was madness. For their hope in better things, in returning to El Tobozo and finding Anselmo alive, these were the ideas and thoughts that were keeping them motivated to continue this torturous ploy. Perhaps, they were all Don Quixote, and yet only one Señor had the courage to display whole heartedly his beliefs.

After Aldonza would empty her stomach, the Padre would pat her loosely on the back, recite a prayer of thanksgiving and then leave her to the rest of the evening to think about her actions, prepare her body for another day of fasting, of praising, of worshiping the Lord with her mind, heart, spirit and soul.

By the time the bedraggled woman would climb the stairs to her own room, she would often collapse on the floor, or sometimes if she was lucky, the bed, and fall into an uneasy, dreamless sleep. Pedro had taken to waiting inside the room, helping her safely to the bed so that she would not hurt herself any more by falling roughly to the floor, and helping her into sleep clothes before holding her and singing softly to her as she fell asleep. "I know it's not easy for you, mi amor." He would croon lightly, a few stray tears leaking from Aldonza's clenched eyes. "But soon, you and I are going to sprout wings and fly away from this place, away from this torture. And you, my little bird-you are going to lead the way."

Aldonza often wondered where she actually stood on these matters that she was forcing herself into. She had been what many would consider the ultimate sinner, the scum of the earth, a filthy whore who was no more than a pair of open legs and a few coins. Now, however, she was trying to change-but was it simply for the ploy or did she really want to transform her being into one of righteousness? She despised the sessions with Padre Perez. They were long, tedious hours of study, and what had she gotten out of it? A loss of ten pounds from lack of eating, a lack of energy and religious knowledge of Saints and Apostles. The young woman was unsure of what the future held for her, but one thing was certainly defined in her mind-she wanted to be away from this place. She wanted to be in a place where she no longer felt she had to look over her shoulder at every turn, or pretend she didn't see the Sisters' scathing, judgmental gazes as she walked by. Aldonza simply wanted to live in a place where she and Pedro could show affection towards each other instead of being sent to separate dungeons to idly spend their time twiddling their thumbs. Why was a place so religious, so highly thought of, acting as their own personal prison? And when-just how many more days-would Aldonza have to endure before they could make their escape?