you're not alone, you're with me *~being edited~*

chapter sixteen

Ethan's P.O.V **

2 hours after school

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"Said this will kill if you let it, somehow I forget, I should be asleep, I shouldn't be upset. Playing the victim while you're still here, blaming the future on things I fear. I keep blaming the future on things I fear"

Who knew some silly song could relate to me so well? As I lay stretched out on my bed and staring at my ceiling, my speaker is up nearly all the way and I'm trying to forget about what Austin said to me.

"Vic was just being a cocky little punk that's all.. You wanna come over today?" His usual kind smile seemed to be plastered on his face. But as always there was a glimpse of lust in his cloudy brown eyes. This wasn't new to me in the slightest but I wasn't in the mood to fool around with him. So I faked being sick and sore, not really faking the sore part, but he seemed to buy it. Now I'm laying in my room alone with my mind flipping back and forth from depression to confusion.

Which never ended well for me in the past.

"Its rough when we're both square one with so much undone, who lost and who won? All rain, no sun. Don't want to have to speak to anyone!"

The lyrics flooded my mind with various ideas on how socially retarded I am and how I should just kill myself or do online schooling. But then I stopped myself mentally and shook my head.

"If I killed myself, I would just be another example on how stupid teenagers really are." I spoke out loud softly and blinked a few times "I don't want to be remembered as the faggot kid that lost himself in the music then killed himself."

Then my favorite verse of this song came on.

"Just a special circumstance, where in lies the worst part that I can't accept. Coming up on fall are there things we haven't spoke on yet? Said you won't reset but you and I are one in the same."

"Don't want to have to feel numb, I don't want this undone" I sang along with the wonderous lyrics out loud with a small smile "Don't want to have to speak to anyone! Said this will kill if you let it, somehow I forget, I should be asleep I shouldn't be upset- Said this will kill if you let it, somehow I forget, I should be asleep I shouldn't be upset. Playing the victim while you're still here. I keep blaming the future on things I fear.."

With that, the song was over and I still lie here confused and sadder than ever. I sat up and got up off of my bed to turn down my speaker then looked at myself in the mirror. The circles under my eyes have grown darker over the last few days. Staying out at Austin's until 4 a.m. was to blame for this and having a sleeping pattern of waking up at 5 a.m. wasn't helping. My figure was still skeleton like and my fingers have even gotten slimmer to the point where you could just barely see my bones. I looked like Frank in a weird skinnier way. Speaking of him, I wonder if he's online..

Walking over to my laptop and pulling it off the charger I sat on my bed cross-legged with it on my lap. The various stickers on the top made the corners of my lips twitch into a smile. Each sticker had a story to tell about Frank and I's stupid adventures to the mall until it closed. My personal favorite was the small Itchy & Scratchy sticker on the top right corner that was actually peeling off around the edges. Frank, before I even knew him personally, went to the great store of Drop dead for his birthday and he bought the sticker because everything else was too expensive. But as we became closer friends he gave me the sticker as a reminder to never forget him no matter what. Even if he were to die the next day, never forget him.

Wait.. Was that a tear drop that just fell from my nose?

I wiped my nose with my sheet and sure enough, my nose was wet as a dog's nose. But instead of pushing through the tears I let the sadness flow over me slowly then all at once. The tears came dripping down my face to my chin then to my Blink-182 sticker on my laptop. God I miss him so much. Why did he have to leave? Why did we have to stop talking? Why couldn't it have waited until we were both graduated from high school? Was that too much to ask?

"I've been a good kid, right? All I've done is good, RIGHT?" I accidentally let the words slip out but it didn't stop there "No Ethan you're a fucking sinner with no goddamn purpose in life. You're a waste of space, right now there are homeless people who would love to be you but you're fucking crying over your best friend moving." With every word I spat out loud to myself, my heart hurt even more than when Frank actually moved. "You're a pathetic little punk kid with no fucking purpose." I began to choke on my words so I hugged my laptop tightly for some support. "You're going to die alone you fag."

The reality that I was truely alone set in after several minutes of uncontrollable sobbing. My mother wouldn't be home for hours. I could do whatever I wanted and nobody would be able to stop me.

So that's what I did.

I got off of my bed and set my laptop on my dresser carefully before storming out of my room. Now that I was depressed and angry at myself, I needed to somehow cool myself off before I start shooting up the school. Going into the kitchen and yanking my cupboard door open I grabbed a large glass cup that had been used for tea once but has never been touched since. The dusty glass hardly fit in my hand but I gripped it tightly with anger and debated on what to do with it. Throw it on the ground with all my might then smash the shattered pieces of glass all over the floor? Hit it against the counter until it broke off and I would slit my own throat then bleed out in the sink? Or just throw it outside onto the sidewalk so my mom wouldn't notice it?

But before I could do any of that, there was a quiet knock on the front door.

"Who is it?" I yelled out hoarsely then cleared my throat. There was no answer to my yelling so I set down the large glass on the counter in frustation and crossed the kitchen into the living room to the front door. Peering in the peep hole, I saw that tall son of a bitch standing there on my steps with.. flowers in his hands. His fast raising chest and pink cheeks made me assume he had ran here but... why? Do I dare open the door with a snotty, drippy face? Or do I ignore him? Then again he does have flowers, lilacs my favorite, and he did seem to run here... What the fuck am I going to do with this attractive little shithead?

So instead of being a complete asshole and ignoring him, I opened the door with a quiet sniffle. Maybe if he saw me crying he would get the hint to piss off but I got the complete opposite reaction. He took one look at my sad face, dropped the amazing smelling lilacs and pulled me into his chest for a tight hug. His soft black v-neck felt comforting against my tear stained cheeks so this wasn't too bad. At least not yet.

"I'm sorry.." he whispered softly then held me tighter nearly killing me, which wasn't really a bad thing considering I wanted to die anyways. "I'm sorry for lying to you.. V-Vic said you were checking him out in g-gym and..." his soft voice trailed off then I heard him swallow nervously "I just... I felt jealous.." Jealous?

"I don't want to lose you Ethan, I really... don't.." Austin's warm arms slowly left my body and I found myself missing them almost instantly so I reached forward, wrapping my arms around his waist tightly. I was prepared to walk away from our little fling but instead, here he comes, saying lovely things that make my heart swell. Sometimes I wonder if I really am a girl.

"Ethan why are you crying so much?" He asked as I buried my face into his shirt and pulling on it like a small child grabbing his mother's dress when he's scared. This was childish. I should stop. He's going to think I'm a stupid little kid with too many emotions. But I didn't. I just hid my face in his shirt and let the tears fall. He wrapped his arms around me again and held me there as I balled my eyes out like a baby without it's mama. Which was exactly what I was. A lost boy with hardly a family and 2 people that cared weither or not I'm alive the next morning. Or at least that's what it seems.

"A-Austin..." I shuddered from a cool breeze and looked up at him with blurred vision "Promise... You'll never f-f-forget m-me.." I managed to stumble out before breaking out another flood of tears. Hiding my face in his now damp shirt I felt a light kiss on the top of my head and his arm rubbing my back.

"I promise Ethan." was all he whispered before falling silent once again.

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god I love tssf go listen to their song Playing the victim its hella great okay um. comment, vote, share, idk