A LITTLE MORE COMPLICATED

17 | the last game

“Hindi ka pa ba nagsasawa sa kape?” I wondered how many cups she has had just this night.

“Sa totoo lang… sawang sawa na,” she answered without looking up.  She continued copying something from her IPad and writing them down on a notebook… as in old school pen and paper writing.

I sat down on the chair beside her without waiting to be invited and handed her a paper bag.  She excitedly opened it, the aroma of barbecued meat must have given it away.

She turned to me and said, “Thanks.  Favorite ko talaga ‘to.” She looked like a little child being handed ice cream. 

“Parang hindi bagay ang isaw sa kape,” I watched her happily bite onto a stick of isaw.  While I was heading back to Bethel I passed by a place that was lined with stalls that sold barbecue.  The vendor must have thought I had quite an appetite for I bought a lot of isaw na manok, isaw na baboy and isol (chicken ass). 

“’Di ba may team dinner kayo? Anong ginagawa mo dito?” she asked.  She has pushed aside her IPad and notebook, placing the bag of barbecue in front of her.

The Maroons lost the semi-finals match against UST the other day.  We again lost earlier today, the game for third place against NU.  But it took more than a loss to dampen the spirits of our young squad.  My team mates were still partying in Hayahay, a popular resto-bar in Dumaguete.  Coach Jerry allowed us to go out since this was our last night.

UST on the other hand was able to defend their championship against a very tough DLSU squad. 

“May team dinner din naman kayo, bakit ka ‘andito?” I answered with another question.  “You’re supposed to be celebrating your win with the rest of the team.”

“Sumama naman ako kanina sa dinner.  Umuwi lang ako ng maaga,” Loren replied.  Her eyes a bit puffy.

“Sabi nga nila, masama daw pakiramdam mo.”  The other Tigresses also went to Hayahay after their dinner… and so did most of the other teams.  “Were you crying?”

She sighed and leaned back on her chair.  “I said my goodbyes to them during dinner.  Akala ko madali kasi nakapagpaalam din naman sa coaches a few weeks ago.  Expected ko naman dadating ito, pero iba pa din pala.”

“You’re not coming back anymore next sem?” I turned to her and asked.

She just nodded and stared somewhere beyond the glass walls of the coffee shop.  Somewhere distant into the nothingness.  Loren may always be in a serious mood but never sad or unhappy. 

“Ganyan ang buhay natin.  May shelf life ang student-athlete,” I didn’t know how to make her feel better.  I almost gave up my fifth playing year because I graduated last April.  Saying goodbye then felt real though I did come back to the team.

She turned to me and smiled.  “Shelf life talaga? I would have never thought of describing it that way.”

“May expiration date,” I added.  “No matter how much we love this sport, we can’t be doing this forever.  It’s just one of those things in college that will prepare us for the real world.”

"I'm not as good as you or the others who can play beyond the collegiate level," she said in a very serious tone.

"Look at it this way.  Not everyone can become a doctor," I argued.  "You've played collegiate volleyball while in med school.  That's quite a feat, if you ask me.  You have proven to us that we don’t have to choose between playing the sport we love and pursuing our dreams.  You’ve shown us that it can be done and we don't need to put it off.  Sobrang ambisyon na 'yun kung gusto mo pang maglaro after mo pumasa ng board."

She playfully punched me on the jaw… and she turned serious again.  “You know what, my heart melted when I kissed and hugged them kanina.  It felt different… and I know things were going to be different after.  This has been my life for the last five years in UST.  Probably the best moments of my life.”  Tears were welling up in the corner of her eyes.  “Mamiss ko ‘yung training at practices kahit kulang sa tulog at nagkakagulo ang schedule ko.  Mamimiss ko ‘yung napapagalitan ni Coach during games.  Mamimiss ko ‘yung ingay, kulitan at tawanan ng mga team mates ko sa dorm.  Kung kaya ko lang ayusin ‘yung schedule ko, but this is it.”

“I’m sure they feel the same way.” It was tempting to wipe those tears away. 

She took a deep breath and faked a smile.  “Though alam ko din naman na may mga natutuwa that I decided not to use my fifth playing year.  I may not be active in social media, pero syempre nababasa din naman ng mga kapatid at kaibigan ko.”

“There will always be bashers and haters because you can never please everyone.” I knew how it felt like, though the Maroons may not have as many critics but I guess, it hurts just the same.  “Sanay kasi ang UST fans sa winning tradition.  Tingnan nyo kami, as much as UP supporters want to see us get to championship, sanay silang natatalo kami.  Every win for us is enough to celebrate kahit nasa baba kami.  We’re not professional athletes who get paid millions. We play for the love of the sport and school pride.  Besides, they will never hate you if they know you on a personal level.”

“I’ve always brushed aside ‘yung existence ng mga bashes at haters ko.  Hayaan mo na lang muna akong patulan sila, kahit ngayon lang,” she softly laughed. “Kung sabagay, dahil din sa mga critics that I try to push myself each and every time.  So no hard feelings.”

“If it’s any consolation, you have very devoted fans,” I showed her my phone.  I came across the Tweets of her fans asking if the rumors were true about Loren’s not playing for the next UAAP Season.  “Wala ka kasing Twitter.”

She smiled while reading through the messages.  She turns to me and asked, “Sinu-stalk mo ba ako?”

“Matagal na,” I laughed.  She wouldn't believe me anyway.

“I'm grateful to have had this chance to do it for the last time.  I’m going to miss all of this,” she leaned on my shoulder and closed her eyes, which caught me by surprise.  It had been a long day and a tiring one.  I can smell the citrus scent in her hair.  She looked so calm and serene.  Loren always had the kindest eyes even when tears fall from them.

“Alam mo bang masmadaling maalala ang isang bagay kung ito ay hindi lamang natin nakikita kung hindi ito din ay nahahawakan natin?” I reached out for her hand and held it on top of mine, with her palms facing up.   “Our hands remember just as much.” I ran my fingers through her palm

She looked up to me and wrinkled her nose.  “Hindi ko alam kung binobola mo ako o ano.” Though she didn’t take her hand back.

I laughed and tightly held her hand.  “No goodbyes.  Even if we don’t see our friends as often, we always remember how it feels like to hold their hands or how warm it is to be in their embrace.” 

She just smiled and closed her eyes again.

“Though I’d love to see more of you,” I softly said.

"Halika na nga." She pulled my hand.  "Masama sa 'yo ang kinukulong dito sa hotel.  Kung anu-ano ang naiisipan mo.  Besides, hindi talaga bagay ang isaw sa kape at bawal ang alcohol dito sa hotel."

"Why do I have a feeling that either I bring out the worst in you or I am a bad influence," I chucked though it really felt that way.  "Pag ako ang kasama mo nagagalit ka, nagiging bayolente, malungkot, umiiyak, gumagawa ng kabaliwan, ngayon tatakas ka sa pinag-aaralan mo... at kung hindi ako nagkakamali, nag-aaya kang uminom."

“I don’t think it’s the worst in me… more like you bring out the more human part of me,” she laughs.  “I seriously need a break… and you’re buying drinks tonight.”

“Umiinom ka talaga?” I was half amused and half amazed.

She dragged me out of the hotel.  “Anung akala mo, kayo lang mga taga-law school ang marunong uminom?”