A LITTLE MORE COMPLICATED

10 | the blue hour

I made up some lame excuse to go back to the hotel before Kathy and the others got back to the covered court.  They were still goofing around while the Adamson squad was practicing.  They didn't bother to ask me to stay anymore.  They probably had a hunch why I wanted to leave.

It was one thing to know that she was with someone else... but it was totally different to see that someone else in the flesh. 

It wasn't like I didn't like her.  Dee seemed friendly... maybe a little too friendly. 

"Neta, nagbabasketball ka pa ba?" Dee asked while we watched the Lady Falcons practice. 

"Kung may oras.  Nakikipaglaro sa mga dati kong team mates," I replied.  I haven't seen much of my other team mates, the girls from the basketball squad, ever since I started law school.

"Varsity ka din dati sa basketball.  Why did you go back to volleyball?" She seemed too curious.   

"First love eh," I answered.  "Babalikan mo talaga."

"Is that the same thing with foregoing med school for law school?" Dee doesn't seem to run out of questions.  Ang dami namang alam.  Stalker din yata 'to.

"Medyo.  Gusto ko naman talagang maging abogado noong bata ako.  Lumihis lang nang medyo nagkaiisip na.  Dahil din siguro sa exposure ko sa sports, nagsports science ako nung college.  Most logical step was to go to medical school," I articulated.  "Kapareho lang din sa volleyball, masmahal ko kaya binalikan ko."

"Mahirap nga naman mawalan ng mahal mo," she said with a tone of sarcasm.  "Maraming magnanakaw sa mundo.  Kelangan mong bantayan ang pag-aari mo." 

What the hell?! Where did that come from. 

"Hindi naman nananakaw ang pangarap." I wasn't sure what she wanted to say to me.  "You only lose your dreams if you don't go for it.  Hindi naman kawalan sa akin kung may gustong umabot kapareho ng pinapangarap ko.  Kung mag-aaral ako ng maigi hindi naman kabawasan sa grades ng kaklase ko 'yun."

"Kumpitesyon pa rin ang buhay," she argued.  "Just like basketball, you always go for the steal and protect your goal."

It was useless to argue with Dee's analogy, when obviously we were talking about different things.

"Basketball tayo one of these days," she said.  So she plays basketball.

Was that an invitation or a challenge? "Oo ba," I accepted. 

She was looking at Bang who was helping out the Falcon's libero.  "Isip tayo ng pustahan para masmasaya," she said in a serious tone.

Yabang naman ng bansot na 'to. 

Maybe I just didn't like her because she was Bang's girlfriend.  Everything she said doesn't seem to sit well with me.  Pero mayabang talaga. 

I took a shower as soon as I got back to the hotel.  It was a warm day even for October.  Needed to cool down... and to temper my emotions. 

We've been through this.  Alam mo from the very start she was with someone else... kaya huwag kang mag-inarte.   It's just an infatuation.  So what? A lot of people are crushing on her.  What makes you so special that you wouldn’t succumb to her charms? It just proves you're human after all.  Wala namang masama doon. 

It must just have been my brain looking for something to focus on besides school and training.  A diversion.  It wasn’t like I was bored or anything.  I don’t think I even have the time to be bored.  I wanted something to keep me going.  It picked a terrible target.  A bigger headache.  Neta, flirting is not a relationship.  It’s a game of chicken and whoever blinks first, loses. 

I changed into some comfortable clothes… shorts, baseball shirt and slip-on shoes.  I grabbed my camera before heading out.  There were a lot of trikes passing in front of the hotel.  I hailed one and asked the driver to take me to the Cathedral.  Manong driver took a few turns and we were there.  It wasn’t that far from the hotel after all.

This was the St. Catherine de Alexandria Cathedral.  The Cathedral claimed to be the oldest stone church in the island though it doesn’t really show in its facade.  In fact it looked very new with its orange brick base and concrete finish.  Took some photos of the Cathedral’s façade as the light was slowly fading from the sky. 

There wasn’t much sunset to see in this city anyway, since the sun sets over the mountain ranges that separates the oriental and occidental part of Negros Island. 

Not far from the Cathedral was one of the four watchtowers that once dotted the city.  It was once a warning device against Moro invaders.  The circular tower was made of coral stones with a pentagonal bell house topped with a red dome.  At the base was a grotto of the Lady of Lourdes.  There were a number of devotees praying and lighting candles.

I took photos of the Bel Fry from across the street with the sky now deep and rich blue.  The tower appearing almost like a silhouette amidst the smooth and creamy sky with everything tinted in blue light.  The pedestrians and the lights from passing vehicles blurring in the foreground.

From the stalls nearby, I bought some candles to offer.  Countless candles burned as devotees continued to offer their prayers.  I propped myself up in a corner since I didn’t have any tripod.  Through my viewfinder, I watched hands carefully lighting each candle… of a child looking through the flames while she stood beside his mother… of a old woman’s wrinkled face partially hidden in the shadows… of the fire dancing in the night. 

The warm flickering light reflected on a familiar figure.  Her hands clasped together in solemn prayer.  As I zoomed in,  the orange glow traced the softness of her face.  The shadows isolated her from everyone else.  When she lifted her eyes, it held the light and softly glowed.  Then she looked back at me, as I was looking through the lens.  I felt a sense of panic.  Feeling guilty for having intruded her sanctuary and capturing images of her every second I could.

My thoughts trailed off as my phone vibrated in my pocket.  Anong oras na? Forgot to call my team mates where I was.  When I fished my phone out of my pocket, there was a message from Arylle, “Team dinner at Gabby’s Bistro.  Sunod ka na.  Paalis na kami ng hotel.  I told Coach na may binili ka sa mall.  Hope you’re feeling better.”

She was gone.  I held on to my camera as if it was the very memory of her.  I didn’t need to review the photos.  These were the very images that have lingered in my head that I have tried to bury in the past.