Dear Richie

~013~

Dear Richie,

I'm still thinking about yesterday and how much I want to do it again. It's Monday and break was over so I had to deal with school again. I got ready and took a few puffs of my inhaler. It was the first time going to school since my suicide attempt and I was full of stress.

I rode the bus every morning to get to school since I didn't have a drivers license yet. The bus finally arrived and I sat in a empty seat. I took out my headphones and listened to my music. I didn't want to listen to all the loud yelling in the back of the bus. A lot was going through my mind this morning and I couldn't think straight.

Should I tell you how I feel?
Do you like me?
Are you still dating Angelika?
Should I get over you?
Are you okay?

I wanted to know how you were feeling since you basically told me that you've tried to do what I wanted to do that one dreadful day. I care a lot about you and don't know what I would do without you.

—

I walked to my locker and got my books at hand. I saw you talking at Angelika and the conversation looked tensed as fuck. I couldn't hear what was going on but I could tell it wasn't good. I saw Angelika wipe her tears away and push you against the lockers with all her force. She ran towards the bathroom and you sat on the floor, hiding your face. I was going to come up to you and asked what happened but you needed some space.

I saw you in class and you were definitely stressed out. Angelika was also in our class and she was trying so hard to ignore you. I smiled at you to make sure you were okay. You smiled back but it was obvious that it was fake. I waited for school to end to talk to you.

—

I was looking around for you but I couldn't find you. I saw Angelika and asked her if she knew where you were.

"Why should I know where that bitch is", she said with anger in her voice.

"I'm sorry... w-what happened between you two?"

"We broke up..", she said looking at the floor.

"Oh my God, why though?", I asked.

"He said tha- wait, why should I t-tell you! Ughh leave me alone!" She said and ran off.

Now I was curious and even more worried about you so I got my stuff and ran towards your house. I still wasn't sure if you were there but I didn't care. I knocked on the door but no one answered so I walked to the side of the house where your room is to look in the window. I saw you laying in bed and looking at your ceiling fan, swirl around. I tried to get crawl in your window but my short legs couldn't get up there. I banged my head on the brick wall by accident and yelled out "ouch", which you heard.

You came up to the window and helped me in and I tumbled down to the floor. I took a second to get up and looked around your room. I haven't been there for months and a lot has changed. You had pictures of our friends and the room was cleaned and smelled like lavender.

"Why'd you come by", you said confused.

"I wanted to make sure you were okay, I heard you and Angelika broke up".

"Yeah, I told her I wanted space and I was confused. And don't worry I'm fine".

"Can I stay over for a bit?" I asked quietly. You agreed and we hung out for a bit. We played video games and ate snacks. We paused the game for a bit and chatted.

"Where are your parents?"

"My dad works late hours and my mom is probably at the bar drinking her life away", you said, pushing your glasses up so they wouldn't fall. "I'm sorry to hear", I replied.

"Don't worry I'm fine Eds, I learned how to hide pain and make myself numb".

"Rich, I'm always here you want to talk. I bet you're going through so much. I never want to see you unhappy and I'll do whatever it takes to make you smile", I said smiling.

You grabbed my hand and got closer to me. "You being here is all you need to do to make me happy. You don't understand how happy I am to hang out with you again. By the way you didn't get mad at Me when called you Eds", you said with a wink.

"Shut up, Richie", I said and we laughed. We grew quiet, still holding hands. I looked into your chocolate eyes and did something that I wish I never did.... I pulled you closer and kissed you. Richie Tozier was kissing me, Eddie Kaspbrak!! On the lips! I quickly pulled away embarrassed. "Eds?", I heard you say and I got my stuff and started to cry.

"I'm so s-sorry, I need to go", I said trying to hide the fact that I was crying. "Don't go Eddie, and don't apologize". I ran towards the window and opened it but before I could get out I heard you say one last thing.

"I wish that kiss lasted longer"

"What? Are you serious?", I said so confused. "I thought you were straight!"

"I thought so too but you proved me wrong", you said with a warm smile.

"I don't know what to say I-"

"Don't say anything, just stay here please. I don't want to be alone",You said.

"Sure thing", I said with a soft smile.

I closed the window and ran towards you, pulling you in for a tight, warm hug. We pulled away and you gave me a kiss on my forehead. I've never felt love before and feeling it was amazing. The best thing about it was that you were the one giving it to me. I had a warm fuzzy feeling inside of me and I knew...

I love you, Richie (can't wait for the day I'll tell you that and you'll say it back)

Love,
Eddie (call me Eds )