Those Bloody Tears

Chapter Twelve

            I shuffled into the common room guilt written all over my face. I had drunk myself into another stupor and had done something I very much regretted. I looked around the small, yet, cozy room and saw that Andy was nowhere to be found. There were a couple of girls whispering by the card table, but other than that it was empty. So I made myself at home on the beige couch and started flipping through the channels on the flat screen to occupy my racing mind.

           When I got to the 300’s Andy came back from the bathroom. I assumed it was the bathroom from the way he was wiping his hands on his sweat pants. They seemed to fit a little more snugly which made me happy. He was getting better here.

           His gorgeous scorched brown eyes widened a little when he noticed I was the brave soul going it alone on the couch. I looked up at him with apologetic eyes. He rubbed his hands against his pants again and then leaned on the arm chair beside the couch. He stared at me for what felt like ages before he spoke.

            “Hey,” he half whispered, folding his arms across his lap. That whole gesture made me feel like the biggest a**hole ever. It made me wish I could take the evening back and redo it.

            “Do you want to talk in your room?” I asked my voice soft and non-confronting, my eyes pleading and genuine.

            “Sure,” he agreed and walked out of the room silently. I shot up off the couch and followed behind him keeping the silence intact. He turned down the long corridor and opened his bedroom door.

He sat down at the head of his bed and looked up at me expectantly. His scorched eyes never leaving my face. He was wanted an explanation and I readied myself to give him one. I half sat half stood at the edge of his bed, keeping my distance. I took a deep breath and then started speaking the words I hoped he wanted to hear.

            “Engel, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have snapped at you like that, but I couldn't handle you being so close to Luke.  I just got so f****** eifersüchtig, err jealous. I’ve had time to think about it and now I realize that he's probably good for you to be around because as he's going through the same thing as you. He understands what it’s like to go through an eating disorder and all the psychological aspects behind it. The only thing I've gone through is kicking a little drug habit.”

            He came over to my spot on his bed and crawled into my lap leaning his cheek against my chest. I was unsure of what he was doing and what I was supposed to do so I just wrapped my arms loosely around him and stroked from the back of his head to the base of his spine. Maybe he just needed me now. Just needed to be held. He wrapped his thickening arms around my waist and we just sat there holding each other for a while. Until he shifted so he could look at me so he could speak.

            “Please don't make me choose. I don't know what I need right now. I'm scared and confused.  This is really hard on me and I think I need you both, so please don't make me choose,” he said his big dark eyes making him look like a kicked puppy. It made my heart squeeze.

            I pulled him into my chest and hugged him tight, knowing that was what he needed if only for that moment. “I'm not going to make you choose. Not now. I know you are scared. I wish they would let me stay here longer, I really do,” I reassured rubbing his back. I dipped my head to kiss the top of his and then brushed my lips against his ear.

            After a few moments of semi comfortable silence, he spoke again. ‘They said that I'm fattening up and might get to go home in the next month couple months instead of staying the full year. I'd still have to undergo outpatient therapy though.”