Remember me, Forget me, Miss me

Chapter one (Remember me Forget me Miss me)

Okay, so I wasn't planning on putting this story up, But the one I already did wasn't my best piece of writing, so I present to you THIS! muhahaha! (I know what your thinking, is she crazy Answer: only when I don't take my special pills!!! haha JK NO OFFESNE TO PEOPLE WHO REALLY DO TAKE SPECIAL PILLS!!

comment and fan!!!!

Chapter one

I lay on the couch and look up at the ceiling. I'm bored. I think I'll go eat something, even though I already ate. Just a little nibble. A bite here or there.

But actually I'm not hungry; I just need something to do. When my parents are at work, and my little sister's at school, I rethink my choices. When my family's around I pretend to be happy with the decisions I've made but a really I question myself frantically and it feels as if hyperventilating in my mind. On the outside I somehow always manage to stay calm and collected.

One of my questionable choices consist of my dropping out of school. I can feel the decision I've made literally pain me in my heart; even though continuing my educating wouldn't have done me any good. But for me, it would have been something to do.

Now there's nothing left to do but think.

I hate thinking. I think, I think too much sometimes. When I think too much, I think about things I regret and sorrowful that has lately filled my life. When I think, I think of all the ways I could die. It could happen in my sleep, on the couch staring at the ceiling, in the middle of the street, in a car, in a boat, in a hospital bed.

The last one is that scares me the most. I abhor hospitals with a burning passion. I hate the smell, the look, and the people that cry in the waiting rooms and corridors. Crying for your loved ones wont magically help and heal them. All crying does is make the inflictor feel like complete shit, even if they already feel like shit enough. I didn't cry when I found out my cancer came back; Although, I don't think I would have minded making my cancer feel like shit.

This isn't my first go around the block with cancer though, I first had it when I was nine. But this round is different than the one I had before. Back then I had a case of brain cancer. Tall Dexters (doctors, that's what I called them when I was nine) found out that my haphazard unbalanced walk was not due to clumsiness, and my vision problems weren't due to the need for glasses, and my headaches weren't due from stress. They tried to blame my obvious symptoms on so many things. They gave me a CT scan and it showed nothing. The doctors were smug that they had been right, but I have very stubborn parents. They demanded an MIR, the doctors told them that they were wasting their money. When they did the MIR they found a malignant tumor in my brain. It was aggressive and nearly killed me.

I was left lucky, I came out of my disease perfectly fine. It had taken me three years to get rid of my brain cancer. Those three years I didn't find havens in anything. Sleep was painful often resulted in me waking up with unbearable headaches. Even if headaches didn't wake me, the nightmares did. I would dream of my skull exploding and losing my eye site and that I had to live in a black world with no light.

I was glorified when I found out that they could no longer see the tumor, which means I was cancer free.

Now imagine, after all the suffering I did, it just wasn't enough. I had a relapse. I have to relive my worst nightmare all over again, and this time, I will loose the light. I didn't want to go through chemo and radiation again. I didn't want my mom to look online every night and check to see if there was any breakthrough treatment that could rid of my tumor.

The first time the disease had popped up I had gotten depressed. I had been nine, dealing with the cancer and having to take anti-depressants until I was thirteen.