Remember me, Forget me, Miss me

Chapter 7

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Chapter 7.

When I'm getting ready for bed brushing my teeth, washing my face, all that good stuff when I hear crying. I freeze by the door and listen. What I hear, I just really don't want to. I do not, I do not, I do NOT!

I hear a choke then my mom say, “She's our baby girl, I can't let her go, she's my baby girl.” I hear more muffled sobs but I can't move my body.

“I know, but our baby's sick and we have to learn to get her go.” My father said this trying to be brave by it came off as a halfheartedly attempt to calm my mother down while holding in his own emotions in.

I break at his words. I know its selfish but I didn't want him to learn to let me go. I wanted to always be his little girl, his baby. I didn't want them to let me go. I wanted them to hold me so tight that it would choke me. I hear my moms voice again “I don't want to get her go! She is my child, Danny. Mine!” I could hear something hit the floor and I knew that it was my mother falling to her knees.

I took a shallow breath, blinking my eyes hard so all the tear that were threatening to over flow wouldn't. So all my hard work I've done to keep myself from crying, the the hard work I've done to stop myself thinking of my cancer. When the truth finally dawned of me. I couldn't escape. I was going to die.

Now I knew this before, but I never really let myself accept it. I made myself shove it to the back of my mind. The only time I ever though about it was at times I knew were okay. Thinking about it here, in the hallway my parents – both now – crying and on the floor mourning over there soon to be dead daughter. I couldn't take it. I was causing them so much pain. I knew that it wasn't their place to be upset. If anyone got to be upset it was me. I was the one dying, not them. They were going to get to live. I, on the other hand, was going to die.

I hear my dad talking again but I only caught a few of his words. “Melody....death... move on... have Lily.”

That's when I felt my heart break. I was going to be replaced with my little sister once I was gone, she would be the new Melody. All I would be is dead Melody.

I finally have the will to move, I walked quietly but quickly to my room and shut the door behind me, I looked around my room for a distraction and found it. I picked up my humming bird and opened the window, I sat on my little window seat and wiped my eyes. Surprisingly enough they were dry, I've never been one to cry a lot. The most I would every cry is for a few moments, never longer than three minutes.

While I play, I gaze at the moon. My face must have looked like it was searching for answers, and I was. I want to know why I had to be given a death sentence so young, when almost everyone else got to live out their lives. It isn't like I'm dying in a car crash, that's just an accident. With cancer it's almost like I'm killing my self, my own body's killing me off. I found absolutely no answers. None. Zero. Zip.

I look continue to stare at the moon, It holds so many secrets. It's so dark, but at the same time it was the brightest thing in the sky I could see. Can something be both light and dark? Well, if anything could it was the moon. The moon was possibly the saddest thing that I've ever seen with my eyes. It stood out, it wasn't like the stars, where they all shined together looking like clusters of sparkles in the sky. The moon looked alone, as bright as it shined, it was alone.

I sigh, a little more relaxed then I was ten minutes ago. Only for a moment I allow myself to imagine what my life would be like if I didn't have terminal cancer. I see myself going to school again, not being afraid to talk to my friends, not seeing the pain in my parents eyes when I walk into the room. The feeling of absolute bliss from being healthy and not feeling guilty. If cancer didn't kill me, guilt for putting people through this with me would. Only because I'm so selfish do I still hold on to things that will eventually slip out of my hands, things like friends and family.