Shades of Dusk

Running Colors

His heart is pounding nearly out of his chest as he stumbles from the floor of the dorm where Forth's apartment is. He's short of breath, and cold sweat has broken over his skin, despite the fact the hallway is cool, making his skin clammy.

Beam is having a panic attack, the first he's had in over ten years.

Maybe it was being so, so close to the subject of Forth... hurting himself. The idea of a knife, or razor blade, cutting into his lover's skin makes it ten times harder to breathe, makes his knees go weak, makes him want to turn around and run back just to make sure his brain's worst conjurings aren't reality.

But the talk of the other man getting another tattoo, something to symbolize him and their relationship, something that is supposed to be rather painful, especially so close to that conversation? It was too much.

Not to mention all of the other thoughts swirling around in his head.

He is halfway between Forth's dorm and his own when he realizes that he's basically forgotten all of his things--his bag, his tie, his fucking phone--back at Forth's. And it seems to break his panic, but it leaves him on a bench in a dark part of the campus, with his head between his knees and his face in his hands, sure that a good portion of the moisture on his face isn't sweat, unfortunately.

"Ai'Beam?" And as if his night wasn't absolutely fucking fantastically awful already, the sound of Kit's voice makes it that much worse. Despite the fact that Kit is his best friend, hearing the other's voice is like nails on a chalkboard right now. "Fuck, Ai'Beam, what happened?"

"Go away, Ai'Kitty," he tries to insist in a disgruntled tone, tries to indicate that he just wants to be left to wallow, but the asshole sees right through him.

"You need to breathe, Ai'Beam. Just breathe, okay? I'm calling the boss," Kit tells him, and at least here he can act. Here, he can reach out and stop Kit, tears still trekking down over his twisted expression, fingers that had just been tracing scars a moment ago clenched tight around one of Kit's bony wrists.

The reminder has him letting go like he's been scalded.

Kit sits beside him quietly as he gets his breathing under control, as he manages to lodge a dam in the tears, as he somehow finally pulls himself together. Kit's hand is small on his back, too small, and it aggravates him even while it helps.

He wants Forth. But he's just run away from Forth and Forth's sure declarations like a goddamn fucking coward again. He doesn't...

He doesn't deserve Forth.

"I fucked up, Ai'Kitty," he rasps into the loud silence, the distinct ringing of tinnitus in his ears making his head pound. He was going to feel like shit, tomorrow, in more ways than one.

"We all do. What happened this time?" Kit asks, caustic as always, but oddly gentle, now. Caring, understanding, like they were when they were kids.

"Ai'Forth..." His throat closes before he can continue, and his bites into his lip as the familiar pressure builds again in his eyes, the world going blurry.

"Ai'Beam--" Kit tries, concerned and getting ready to go throw punches, but that wasn't going to be helpful here.

Not when Beam was the problem.

"Ai'Forth told me he loves me. And I fucking ran away." His voice cracks like he's going through puberty, and it's damn embarrassing; would be, at least, if he wasn't completely miserable.

Kit remains silent this time, but the hand on Beam's shoulder is warm and steady.

"Every... every damn time, Ai'Kitty. Every single fucking time he says those words, I shut the fuck down, I run away and go hide. And then I don't talk to him for days, and then he'll just... he'll show back up and act like I didn't just... trample all over his heart again." The thought of hurting Forth like that, of causing that kind of pain, makes his own chest tight. Makes his whole body ache, his head pound more than it already was. There is a pause of silence, of rumination over the facts that he has laid out to his best friend, before he slumps, rubbing tiredly at his face.

"I don't deserve his patience, let alone his heart," he whispers, loud enough to be heard into the quiet night.

"If I wasn't sure that your head was already hurting, I would hit you," Kit growls at him after a prolonged silence; most likely, it was Kit making sure that Beam didn't have anything else to say. As it is, Beam hisses when Kit's grip becomes bruising on his shoulder, but he doesn't try to shrug it off.

"You're an idiot, Ai'Beam. Everyone who has the ability to see you two assholes can see how much you love each other, just in how you look at each other," Kit scolds, giving Beam a full body shake by the one shoulder that he's holding.

The words have Beam swallowing thickly, barely managing to keep from biting his tongue when Kit finally stops shaking him. But Kit isn't done, and doesn't let his shoulder go, either, fingers pressing painfully.

"You're afraid, I know you are; you make it pretty obvious in how you react to him. But, Beam, you have to get over that fear at some point, or you really will lose him." Kit's voice is solemn, driving like nails into Beam's brain, choking him up.

"What do I do, Kit?" he pleads with Kit, as though the other man would have all the answers. Like Kit was the one he should be asking relationship advice from.

"You talk to him. And you tell him the truth," Kit tells him sharply, using his shoulder as leverage to stand up.

All Beam can do is watch Kit walk away, drained as he is. On top of being drained, he feels absolutely numb at the moment; considering the emotional wreckage he's just brought down on himself, only to climb back out of, it is a wonder that he isn't worse off.

Thoughtlessly, he gets to his feet and follows after Kit, heading back to their dorms, only once sparing a thought for the things he'd left with Forth.

Tomorrow. That was a problem for tomorrow. Right now... Right now, he just desperately needed a nap. 

\;*;/