FACELESS

Chapter Four

I think Mia is angry at me.

Though, I don't really know the reason why.

This morning, when I arrived in class - 7:21 am sharp, she was sitting at her desk already, her books stacked neatly and her purple pencil case resting upon her water bottle, staring into nothing.

I pulled out my chair, the legs screeching against the floor. Cringing, I muttered a soft sorry and placed my bag on the ground, unzipping it and grabbing my pencil case out.

I gave a glance and noticed that Mia was looking at me. I gave her a small smile, cocking my head slightly to the side. She didn't react, didn't smile back. Instead, her eyes slowly trailed from staring at the table and onto mine.

"Good morning, Mia." I greeted, unzipping my pencil case, retrieving my pen out. Mia pursed her lips, swallowed, her Adam's apple moving slightly, and then she gave me a tight smile, that didn't quite reach his eyes.

I knew at the moment I've done something wrong.

Immediately, my smile dropped from my face and I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding. Did I do something wrong? Yesterday we were fine, we were talking about jokes and laughing and now she's suddenly so cold towards me. I must have done something - said something I shouldn't have said.

I stayed quiet, my wrist now slumped against the table, I sniffed, feeling the sadness creeping up towards me like a shadow - sneaking up and waiting for the right moment to attack me, to catch me off guard and destroy destroy destroy me until it began to eat me from the inside. I let her stay quiet. I felt it - the tension between us, so thick and suffocating. I bit my lips, holding in the tears that are threatening to spill out of my eyes. I knew perhaps I should had asked her, I should have done that at the beginning, way before I let my sadness get the best of me and make me cry again like a little fool. My emotions are not to be messed with - I get so sad easily, unpredictably.

Which is almost funny, ironic, really - because I'm used to my parents yelling at me. I never cry when they take out the whip, nor when they use it and slash my skin open over and over and over again, the blood leaking down my back like rain droplets on a rainy day. No emotions on their face, accepting the punishment they set for me. No food for a day, all because of missing a point for an A grade for Mathematics. I've gotten used to hunger a long time ago, while I watch them dine in the living room with steak and red wine in a wine glass, speaking of rarely anything that wasn't about money.

My father's antique watch, the clock in my room - time ticking past us so fast, and so slow at the same time. But can money buy them time? Are they happy like this? Constantly anxious, stressed, and placing all their anger onto their only daughter.

Maybe this is the reason I try so hard to please everyone - anyone, really. 300 different faces, the Shy kid, the Smart kid, the Funny kid. It's getting hard to even remember what being me is like. I know I'm Audrey Tan. Audrey Tan. I don't want to get punished, too often, too much. School is my only solitary, even though I am not me, but at least I am partially me in school, instead of the empty hollow shell I am at home.

Empty, hollow. Trapped. Don't feel anything. Don't let it affect you.

Mia was silent, a statue beside me. She didn't move, and she didn't speak. Though, I know that her lips occasionally twitched, tempted to say something, but she closed it again and swallow her words down, and take another shallow breath in, her body shaking with tremors.

"I-" I cleared my throat, clenching my fingers into a fist. Confrontation. "Mia-"

"Don't." She said, her voice mellow like always, sweet and melodic but this time it was sharp, like a newly grafted knife, slicing me across the skin. The tension between us was like a hot stove. And like melting butter, it cuts so easily.

"Mia," I continued, pressing on, although I could already feel my words faltering into my back of my throat, as my fingernails dug themselves deeper into my skin that I could feel them breaking through, pushing out the crimson blood out of my skin like a sponge.

"What's going on?" I asked, breathing in. "What did I do?"

"You know what you did."

"What?"

"Stop acting as if you're so innocent, okay?" She hissed, turning around to me. I flinched, shocked and afraid because her eyes were filled up with tears, her cheeks stained and her blue eyes wavering and laced with pain. Her lashes had water latching onto them, cheeks flushed red with anger with whatever I've done.

"I don't know, okay?" I ran my hand through my hair, biting my lips and feeling my tears filling up my own eyes. I made sure to swallow every time I speak so I wouldn't stutter, and the words wouldn't get stuck at the back of my throat.

Mia let out a laugh. The kind of laughter that was empty and does not indicate happiness or joy. A hollow, empty laugh. She looked at me as if I had betrayed her. I felt the shame immediately coursing through my veins, even though I do not know what I've done to upset her. What happened;

what have I done what have I done what have I done what have I done what have I done what have I done what have I done what have I done what have I done what have I done what have I done what have I done what have I done what have I done what have I done what have I done what have I done what have I done what have I done what have I done what have I done what have I done what have I done what have I done what have I done what have I done what have I done what have I done what have I done what have I done what have I done what have I done what have I done what have I done what have I done what have I done what have I done what have I done what have I done what have I done what have I done what have I done what have I done what have I done what have I done what have I done what have I done what have I done-

"Stop." Mia gritted her teeth, her lips tucked inwards with disgust, at me. "Stop acting like you don't know, just stop!"

"I really don't!" I gasped out, "Mia, please... We were fine yesterday, what happened?"

She took a deep breath, closing her eyes to calm herself but I could see a drop of tear trailing and roll down her cheeks, falling onto her pinafore - the droplet spread out, staining her pinafore a darker blue. She took another deep breath to calm herself down, but her breath was unsteady, weak and trembling.

"You-you really don't know, huh?" She spat out the words. I think she was speaking with sarcasm, but I've never been one to understand sarcasm much. I faltered, catching the words at the back of my throat. I let it catch, then swallow and it floats down my esophagus.

She stood up suddenly, the chair screeching against the floor. But know it was loud enough and late enough that almost the whole class is already in class – staring at the both of us, in a heated battle.

Mia sniffed, took a deep breath, and said. "I'm going to ask the teacher to change our seats," she paused, swallowing. "We're no longer friends, Audrey."

And then she walked away without a second glance.

I stared at her purple pencil case for a long while, just staring at it until it became a single purple blob in my vision. I blinked, and felt the tears rolling down my cheeks like rivulets, my vision blurring as I took sharp, deep breaths to calm myself down. I tried to keep myself quiet, but I know by now as least half the damn class are somewhere outside, patting Mia's back and consolidating her, telling her that you'll be fine, you'll be alright, she's a bitch anyways, why did you even friend her? Why don't you just screw her over, huh? Just fuck her up and ruin her life, she's a horrible person, don't you hope she just die?

Die die die die die di-

I can hear the murmurs starting already. I know that whatever I've done, whatever horrible things I've done to make Mia this angry at me – It must be horrid, I must had done something horrible without even myself knowing. Horrible, horrible, horrible Audrey.

There goes a valuable friendship.

All because of me.