FACELESS

Chapter 16

AFTER 

I hit Jesse after that.

After the screen stopped flashing, the ringing stopped. The tendrils of dread, anger, and despair inside of me that sought for release.

Jesse sits beside me, frozen.

I stand up, and I grab my fists and slam it into her face.

She stumbles over, her body slams against the ground, wheezing – Out of breath, she looks up to me with horror in her eyes. I'm breathing heavily, the after effect of my panic attack lingers, but I clench my fists hard, and take another step forward, as if I am going to punch her again.

She cowers, letting out a small yelp.

I let out a choked, pained cry, letting my hands fall to myself as my own two feet gave up underneath me. It wasn't as if I was angry, I was just disappointed. I was so empty. I was empty and hurt, destroyed by the fact that no one in my life is real. Not my parents, who cared so much about me, but not in the right way. Not my best friend, who never really stayed by me. Not Mia, and certainly not Zac.

Not even Jesse, my own fucking therapist.

"Who­ ­– who the hell are you?" I choke out, swallowing.

"I... God, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to lie." She winces, wiping a strain of blood now rolling down her chin.

"I–"

"Who the hell are you?" I hiss out. She stays silent, like a statue frozen in time. The guilt, where is it? I search for it on her face. She remains still quiet. The fury inside of me scorches my own windpipe.

"I asked you a question. Answer me!"

The anger must had showed itself on my face, and my body, clenched up with tension and the tendrils and whispers now they tell me: "Hit her, hit her. Make her cower underneath you."

"Come on, don't you want to see her bleed?"

"Fuck all of them, they deserve this. Look at how they all treat you..."

"No...No!" I clench my eyes shut, shaking, my hands, now pounding and bruised from the punch, covered my ears. I shake, and I hit and bit my own skin but I can still hear their words entangling themselves into me.

"Shut up... shut up.... I don't want to hurt anyone..."

I am crying now, tears down my cheeks. Blood stains, like red paint left untouched and wet on the concrete floor. I want to peel my own body open because I don't feel like myself. It's all a blur and all I can see and feel through the stupid bandages and blurred vision is the pulsating madness between my chest and the burning on my arm and the crimson red that's blinding my vision.

First day of school, the teacher tells me to up onstage to present. I'm scared. I dig my nails into my arms so I don't feel so sad. My knees are jelly, like the jelly in the fridge Aunty Trina makes for me on Sundays. I think I am sick.

She says Audrey go up and tell us your favourite hobby and what you want to be when you grow up please, she smiles and it's a nice smile and I smile back because Mother said it's always best to smile and not frown.

I'm in front of everyone and they all stare at me and now I am trembling. I want to speak but my tongue cannot move. Teacher tells them to cheer for me, and they clap and one girl in the back she smiles up at me, she has a missing front tooth. Her hands are raised up high as she claps, she yells you can do it Audrey and I almost start jumping too. She knows my name.

Teacher touches my shoulder.

A cold hand touches my shoulders.

"Don't touch me!"

Jesse flinches, moving a few steps back. I see her face, and the anger pours over my body. I look down on my feet.

She says go on, you can do it Audrey. It's simple.

I take a deep breath, I look at the girl who raised her hands for me with her missing tooth and she smiles at me and she nods so hard her ponytail flies in the air.

I take another deep breath and I ignore the giggling girls at the front because I am taking too long. I want to speak, for myself. For the girl.

"Hi..." I speak. I speak. "I'm Audrey."

"Who are you?"

Jesse clenched her eyes shut, drawing her hands through her perfect hair, scrunching up her face with despair. I want to tell her that it's okay, that's it's okay but I know it's not. And I can't lie anymore.

"I'm your cousin, Audrey." She whispered. "You don't know me ­– And, and – the age gap, I don't suppose you would had suspected. Until the phone call, of course."

And I'm thinking, What the fuck? What is this, a soap opera? What the hell is this, am I being pranked? But nothing of that sort comes out of my mouth. I just sit there. I let the words drown me and my ears are turning muffled. I feel like my body isn't mine anymore.

"How?" I croaked out. "How have I never seen you in my life?"

"You have."

I pulled my head up.

"When?"

"When you visited America during your 4th birthday. I was the girl in the house."

And I think if she had never mentioned it, I would had been unable to remember that fateful trip to USA when I was young. Even now as the memory began to pour in, it was fuzzy and cloudy, like watching a movie played in front of me with thick clouds of mist and fog evading my vision.

I'm thinking ­­– Christ, holy crap. My own psychologist is my fucking cousin all the way from America. I keep wondering about What about your stupid, British accent? You fly to America to study and leave for Britain and why do you get such a goddamn good life while I–

And I keep thinking and thinking screw you screw you and everybody because no one is truthful to me. Everybody lies and lies to make me feel better but I just feel worse.

I bring myself up to ask the dreadful question, it comes out of my throat, burning the walls of my oesophagus, like the putrid, hot acid from vomiting.

"You're not a therapist, are you?"

Jesse doesn't speak.

"Fuck you." I mutter out the words, at last. "Fuck you, and fuck your boyfriend. You deserved it."

From the corner of my eyes, Jesse's body collapses – Like a deflated balloon, she sinks further into the ground, and then her shoulders start shaking, violently. Light travels faster than sound, that's what I learned in school.

But somehow, I could hear her crying before I saw it with my own eyes.

I'm beginning to think that, everything I know, everything I've come to know ­– It's just a lie.

One fat, ugly lie.

"Hi, my name is Audrey."

"My hobby is laughing." I laugh a bit and my classmates laughs with me as well. They clap, without Teacher telling them too. I am not trembling anymore. I think, I can do this.

"I want to be all of your friends when I grow up, I hope we can all be friends."