Of Two Minds

Déjà vu

"Hi", I whispered. My feet shuffled towards him. "Are you okay?"He took no notice of my presence. His beautiful eyes still pierced through the window. I wasn't surprised or upset, this is exactly the way he should be acting, I wouldn't blame him if he kicked me out right about now. I was an unfaithful girlfriend. I would understand if he didn't forgive me. I just hoped he knew I still loved him.

"I'm sorry Luke. I'm sorry I did this to you. I put you through all of this.", my voice started to crack, I was starting to shed tears. "I should've never cheated, I- love you Luke. I made a mistake- I." This was feeling like déjà vu. The last time I heard words like these, it was him pleading to me, now it was my turn. More tears rolled down my face. When he realized, he took his eyes off the window and onto my face. I sensed sympathy in his expression. He should not be sympathizing me. I deserved this. I did this to myself. I hurt everyone, Luke, Taylor, myself. Joe doesn't count though, he had that punch coming. Nobody told him to be an instigator and try to hold me back.

"Sel- Selena. Don't cry. I don't like to see you cry", he spoke, his voice a little weak. "Come here", he pat the side of the bed, beckoning me to sit. I sat still sobbing. He pressed my head onto his shoulder, comforting me.

"Babe it's alright. I still love you, not matter what. I forgive you. I made a mistake too and you forgave me"

"No", I shook my head. I couldn't allow it, he was just too forgiving. What I did was way worse, I cheated more than once. When he cheated, I know he had alcohol in him. That's what it does to you , it makes you do questionable things, like the first time I fucked Taylor. "You can't forgive me", I sobbed, shaking my head.

He lifted my chin to face him, and stared into my eyes, "I want to be with you Selena." I sniffled as I sat cold, I didn't know what to say. Now Taylor bumped into my mind. He told me the same exact thing. I wanted to be with him too, but Luke was mine. Mine to hold and to be with. I couldn't take this anymore. I was torn. I shook my head again, "I can't-I don't wanna do this anymore. I'm sorry Luke." I stood up heading for the door. "Where are you going?", he called. "I have to go", I disappeared from the room, regretting everything, even regretting what went on the night I broke up with Nick.

I went down the back stairwell, sneaking past Taylor and Joe who still sat in the waiting room. I didn't want Taylor chasing after me, although that wouldn't be the worst thing. I stood on the sidewalk fighting more tears that were welling up in my eyes, as I waited for an Uber.