One Foot In Front of the Other

Chapter 3 Pain

When Ed had his emotions under control again, he returned to my side. Granny and Winry were about to begin, and I sensed--though he didn't say it--that he didn't want to leave me to suffer alone; not when he knew so well what this pain was like. I was terrified of what was coming. I had no idea how bad it would be, but since Ed was my best friend, I could guess. I had watched him suffer because of his own auto-mail more times than I could count. When we had been forced to travel into the desert, even though it was just a few miles, the metal had been heated by the sun until it had burned him, and when we had headed north to Briggs, the prosthetics had frozen withing minutes of being exposed to the freezing temperatures. This left the limbs useless, and Ed ended up with severe frostbite that nearly caused permanent damage to the tissue in contact with and surrounding the metal. As if that wasn't enough, the limbs constantly needed to be adjusted or replaced whenever Ed grew or damaged them, and the pain of disconnecting and reconnecting the nerves was rumored to be one of the worst agonies known to mankind. I had seen how much it hurt Ed; how even someone so strong and stubborn couldn't stop the strangled cry that escaped through his clenched teeth at the moment the limb was locked back into its port. Sometimes he even passed out. I didn't realize I was shaking, or just how visible my terror was, until Ed tried to comfort me. His hand slid into mine as he sat in the chair by my bed, resting his chin on the edge of the mattress so he could meet my eyes without making me move. "It's gonna be okay." He promised a second time, but I could hear the slight tremor in his voice, and I knew he was barely keeping himself from falling apart all over again. Regardless, I took a deep breath and tried to calm down, though I couldn't help but shiver as the feel of the cool, metal fingers intertwined with my flesh ones reminded me of what I was about to lose. My breathing quickened again as Granny and Winry approached, finally ready to start. I cringed away from them, but there was nowhere to go; no escaping this. Part of me desperately hoped I would black out, but I remembered Winry's warning, and another part of me resisted. I had a death grip on Ed's hand; I think his presence was the only thing that kept me from losing it. The first cut of the scalpel made my head spin. I choked on the cry of pain rising in my throat, gritting my teeth as I tried to bite it back. Every instinct screamed for me to fight, but I tried to keep a level head; I knew Granny and Winry were doing their best, and how essential my cooperation was. I had to remain still. This, however, was not an easy task. The Rockbells were skilled surgeons, but even they couldn't perform this task without first torturing me. As bad as my pain was now, it could only get worse; they were going to push my endurance to the very limit. Despite my efforts to remain silent, I couldn't help but cry out as my pain continued. Granny and Winry were experienced enough that my cries didn't faze them, but Ed tensed every time I screamed, almost as if he felt each cut himself. Despite my knowledge of this surgery, and the realization that struggling would only put my life in further jeopardy, I was quickly losing all reason as pain ruled my mind. Unfortunately, I quickly lost the fight to remain calm and still. I struggled, lashing out, seeking only an end to this pain, though some rational part of my mind whispered that there was none to be found. "Ed, I need you to hold her still." Once more, horror filled Ed's eyes as they fell on Granny Pinako. He shook his head mutely, unable to find his voice. Winry glared at him, frustrated. "The longer this takes, the less chance she has of pulling through, and we can't do anything while she's thrashing like this. Ed, I know this is hard, but we need your help. If you can't do it I can ask Al, but she doesn't trust him the way she trusts you. You're the only one who might be able to calm her down instead of freaking her out more." I could feel Ed's hand shaking before he pulled it away, and I hated how much I was hurting him, but I wasn't strong enough to stay calm. I wasn't as strong as he was. He slid his arm around me, just above my shoulder, and pressed his weight against me, pinning me down. I struggled, but he was stronger than me even on a good day, and my adrenaline quickly faded, leaving me weaker than a kitten. His right arm was cold, and the metal felt good against my burns, taking some of the pain from them. I couldn't enjoy the relief for long, though; Granny and Winry resumed my surgery the moment Ed had immobilized me. I felt him tense against me as I whimpered with pain, and his body shook with silent sobs as he tried to keep tears at bay. His face was inches from mine, and I could see the agony written clearly across it. His eyes were shut tightly and his jaw was locked, as if he could keep the emotions storming inside him sealed away. Finally, though, even Ed's stubbornness wasn't enough to hide his pain. A single tear broke free, and then he was crying. There was no mistaking it this time as warm tears slipped down his cheeks and dripped off his chin, splashing against my neck and stunning me into silence despite my pain. I had never  seen Ed cry before. I had rarely seen him so much as whimper. Sure, I'd seen him upset, but it was always in his eyes, or the way he hung his head. He always tried to act tough, and pretend that nothing could get to him; he buried his pain and worry beneath an arrogant, stubborn exterior. But now, it had broken loose. All of that emotion had come rushing out, and it was breaking him. I was breaking him. Pain, fear, guilt, worry. helplessness, frustration, desperation; all of them were clearly displayed. He had lost the ability to even try  to hide them anymore. I felt tears well up in my own eyes in response to his. "Edward," Granny muttered, "Pull yourself together. You're not helping." He winced at her words. "I-it's just... it's just not fair...!" He sobbed, "Al, Nina, Hughes... now even her...! S-so many people... everyone keeps suffering... because... because of my failures...!" Granny frowned. "Ed, if you can't control yourself, I'm going to have to ask you to step out." He was crying so hard that it had been difficult to make out what he was saying, but I understood. I understood because I knew him, and I knew how much he always blamed himself for everything. He took a few deep, shuddering breaths, trying to calm down, and finally managed to stop crying. I wanted to tell him that this was my choice, not his failure. I wanted to say that I didn't blame him, and that I knew no one else did either. I wanted to say I loved him. I wanted to tell Granny not to make him go, because it wasn't his fault that he was hurting. I wanted to tell her that Ed had just as much of a right to cry out in pain--though our two pains were different--as I did. But I couldn't find the words to express desires and sentiments so elaborate; not when I was in the midst of so much suffering. So I did the only thing I knew. I felt for his left hand, inches from my own, and entwined my fingers with his. His eyes opened quickly as he was startled by my slight movement, but he didn't pull away. Then his golden eyes were locked with mine, perfect despite their tearful anguish. Even though I couldn't find the words for all I wanted to say to him, as we looked at each other, I knew he understood at least some of it. "Don't go..." I begged, terrified that Granny would make him leave me. My voice caught in my throat, sounding small and afraid. As bad as it was already, my surgery would be a thousand times worse without him by my side; he was the only point of light visible on the dark horizon of my suffering. Ed glanced meaningfully at Granny, a hint of his familiar stubbornness returning to his gaze. He pressed his face against my neck. "Shhh." He murmured quietly. His lips brushed my ear as he whispered so only I could hear him. "I'm not going anywhere. I promise I'll stay right here. I won't leave you for a second. Everything's going to be okay. Don't try to talk; you need to save your strength." I don't remember much of what he said after that, but I had enough presence of mind to know he kept his promise. I also knew that he was the only thing that kept me sane through that torture. Whenever the pain got worse, and I felt I couldn't take it anymore, he would distract me or comfort me or promise, once again, that I would make it through this. He told me I was strong, although I knew that was a lie; any illusion of strength I had was derived from him. It was his strength that got me through that pain when none of my own remained. Through it all he never, not even once, left my side. 

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So that's the end of chapter 3! Way longer than the other two lol. I'm putting these up pretty fast since I tend to get a bit obsessive over my writing projects, but that's probably all I'll post for today. hope everybody likes it. Also, idk but I felt like maybe Ed was a little ooc. I'm not sure though; since he doesn't really get super emotional a lot I don't have much to work with. But still it's not like he's never upset or anything because after the Nina incident and then the first time he fought Scar he was pretty broken both times so that's what I'm trying to base his reactions off of... not sure if I'm doing a good job or not...