One Foot In Front of the Other

Chapter 8 Nightmares

I gasped as my eyes flew open, the images from my dream still etched vividly in my mind. Was that all it had been; a dream? I couldn't be certain... not when it had been so real... My chest tightened in panic as my eyes roamed the room, searching desperately for one person. I choked out his name as I realized he was right beside me. My cheeks were already tear streaked, but I began crying all over again when I saw him.  He jumped, startled as I threw my arms around his neck, sobbing as I hid my face against his chest. "You're okay...! You're okay... and you're here..." He wrapped his arms around me, rubbing my back comfortingly. "Of course I'm here. Where else would I be?" He asked gently. "D-dead!" I stammered tearfully, although his question was probably intended to be rhetorical. "Shhh, it's okay." He whispered, his voice cracking slightly. "It's... just a nightmare..." There was audible pain in his tone as he continued. "You're awake now. It was only a bad dream, see?" He pulled away for a moment, tilting my face towards his so I was forced to look at him. "I'm okay. There's nothing wrong with me." He pulled me close again, and I snuggled against him gratefully, my sobs dying down to muffled whimpers. I became suddenly aware of the sound of approaching footsteps, followed by the creak of hinges as someone threw open the door. "What's wrong?! We heard screaming..." Winry's voice trailed off as she took in the scene. "Oh, no... It's nightmares, isn't it?" Ed met her eyes, his helpless agony confirming her words. Winry sighed. "Ed, I need to talk to you alone for a minute." Ed gave Winry an incredulous look, but she wasn't in the mood to take arguments. "Now." She insisted. Pain flashed in Ed's eyes as he turned to me. "I'm sorry, but I have to go for a minute. I promise I'll be right back." I whimpered in protest as my hand clutched his shirt weakly. I was reluctant to let him go, but I had used up all of my strength in my previous outburst, and Ed freed himself from my hold far too easily. "I'll only be gone for a second." He promised again, trying so hard to console me. I felt a stab of guilt both for my weakness and for the way I had just hurt him, but I didn't have the energy to dwell on guilt for long. Ed stepped behind the door, and I could hear him and Winry talking in hushed voices. "She's having nightmares, Win. Just like me. And I can't help her. I have to watch her suffer and there's not a thing I can do! What the heck did she ever do to deserve this?" He sighed, and I worried at how defeated he sounded. "Then again, I guess it is equivalent exchange... I just wish it had been me. I'm the one who deserved this. I mean for crying out loud I was the one who committed the stupid taboo so why on earth should she receive the same punishment for saving a life...?" Winry stopped him. "Ed, you're rambling. You're not even making sense anymore." Ed groaned. "I know, I'm sorry. I'm just tired. I haven't slept well the past few nights, and with the way things are going I doubt I'll get the chance for a good night's rest for a while." I yawned as I listened, my mind trailing away from their words to focus itself inward. I was tired, too, but I didn't want to fall back asleep. I was afraid, to be honest. I didn't want to dream again. The voices outside the room fell silent, and Ed slipped back into the room, shutting the door gently behind him. "Hey," He said softly, "Why don't you try and get some more sleep?" The look in his eyes was more guarded now, as if there were something he wasn't telling me. I shook my head as I struggled to move, finally managing to sit up with my back against the wall. "I'm not tired." I told him simply as I pulled my knees against my chest. The motion was painful but I succeeded and that was the point I was focusing on right now. Ed sighed again at my obvious lie, but he didn't argue with me. He sat heavily on the edge of the mattress and glanced sideways at me. "You know, you really shouldn't try to move; especially not the auto-mail. You're not healed yet. I raised an eyebrow. "You were moving around about a week after your surgery, and you were out of bed by the end of the third week." I argued lamely. "I was spitting blood because I pushed myself so hard." He retorted calmly. "Besides, I wasn't critically injured before-hand." I sighed and looked away. I didn't really feel like arguing. "How are you feeling?" He asked, sensing my need to change the subject. I frowned slightly as I looked back. "Hurts." I muttered simply, "Everything hurts." Worry shown in his eye. "Do you want painkiller? I could go find some." I shook my head, suppressing a shiver. Though I was unwilling to admit it, the surgery had left me terrified of anything medical. I didn't want to be in this room, I didn't want painkiller, and most of all I hated the IV in my hand. My skin crawled at the very thought of it. Suddenly I wondered why I had even let Winry put it there, and reached to pull it out, but Ed stopped me before I could our metal wrists clanking against each other. "You need that. Since you can't even keep water down, that's your lifeline."I didn't like it. Logically, I knew that if it came to a fight Ed would win, but something inside me snapped and I realized I wasn't about to give in that easily. I glared at him, trying to pull my hand away even though he was clearly the stronger one here. "Let me go." I growled, "I want to take it out." He met my glare with his own, though it was halfhearted at best. "No. This is for your own good." Frustration filled me and I reached for him with my free hand, trying to pry his fingers away from my arm. "Just let go!" I demanded, my tone slightly more aggressive, but this time he didn't even reply. He simply waited, his grip never slackening, until I finally gave up. He looked over after a while and asked, "If I let go, do you promise to leave the IV in your hand where it's supposed to be?" I scowled unhappily but nodded. "Good." He murmured, letting my wrist slide free of his grip. We were silent for a moment, each lost in our own thoughts as I struggled against my exhaustion. It felt my eyelids were getting heavier with every second, and it was all I could do not to give in to the darkness. "I'm sorry." I glanced up, startled, as Ed's voice broke the silence. "For making you keep the IV in, I mean. I know you're scared, and frustrated, and I'm sorry. I wish there was more I could do." I looked at him for a long moment, wondering how he'd known I was afraid. His eyes met mine, and he read the unspoken question in my gaze before I could find the words to ask him. "You're a lot like me. You tend to lash out when you're afraid. Remember when we first met?" That memory was still a bitter one, just like every other memory before it. But unlike the others, it was a turning point, leading to memories far brighter than their predecessors. "I tried to kill you." I remembered. Thank goodness I hadn't succeeded in that endeavor. Ed nodded. "Yeah, you were totally freaked out. But after being locked in that lab for so long, who could blame you? You lashed out purely of fear. You didn't know me, so your first instinct was to defend yourself." I looked down, my mind returning to that place. It seemed like nothing but a nightmare;  a distant memory long in my past. The truth, though, was that until a year ago that nightmare was the only thing I knew. I was a chimera; a being that consists of two genetically dissimilar life forms bound together through alchemy. Before Ed had found me, I was nothing but a science experiment; an alchemist's attempt to create a chimera that was both animal and human; able to shift between either of the two forms. And I was a success, mostly. When I willed it, I could shift into a wolf, and back to a human. The transformations took only seconds, but they weren't easy. They required an intense amount of concentration, and  were incredibly painful. After all, the human body wasn't made to twist itself into another form. And even those forms themselves were not perfect. As a wolf, I retained the eyes of a human, though I could still see in the dark like the canine I was mixed with, and as  a human I was left with the ears and tail of a wolf. Although I could retract these traits if necessary, it was very painful and I could not manage it for long. People hated me for it. They thought of chimeras as lesser beings; nothing more than animals. Even though I had retained my human mind, there would always be people who judged me on sight and hated me simply for existing. Although I liked who I was, and thought that being able to turn into a wolf was kind of awesome, it was not something I would have asked for or even accepted had I been given the choice. The years of pain that led to my current state were not worth the end result. No, this fate had been forced upon me, and many others like me, though they were far less lucky. Many of them lost their minds in the initial transmutations, becoming nothing more than beasts, and many more died within a week of their transformation. It was a terrible thing; being forced to watch so many die and knowing that, inevitably, I faced the same fate. I still don't know why I survived when the others didn't, but I was tenacious. I never gave up fighting, even when my pain was nearly unbearable. Even when all hope had escaped me, and I wondered if I would ever be free, I clung to life. It was the only thing that had kept me breathing long enough for Ed to find me, and free me. He'd been so angry when he found the alchemist's research. He hadn't rested until the man was behind bars for his crime. It was one of alchemy's greatest laws: human transmutation is strictly forbidden. I finally pulled away from my memories to look at the boy beside me; the boy who had saved my life. "Thank you." I whispered, "For... for freeing me from that place. For ending my pain."

"You're welcome." He answered, "Although I wish I'd done better on that last part." His eyes moved to my wounds, but I interrupted his bleak thoughts. "Ed, if you'd left me there in that lab, I would either have died or become nothing but a soulless chimera without even a shred of my sanity intact. But you saved me. This pain, right now, is not your fault. This pain, unlike every pain in my life before, serves a purpose. My limbs for your life. It's equivalent exchange. I know you feel guilty, and I'm sorry I scared you, but I wouldn't change it even if I could." There was a gentle look in his eyes that surprised me; I had expected him to argue or yell for me to never risk my life like that again, but he did neither. "I never thought about it like that."He slid closer to me, leaning against the wall beside me. "When you put it like that, I did the same thing myself, for Al..." He tilted his head back as he remembered. "I told that freak Truth he could take whatever he wanted. My other leg, my arm... I even offered my heart as the price if only he'd bring back my little brother. In the end, that thing took my right arm, and I ended up with this." He held up his right fist, his gaze finally focusing on the auto-mail. I realized that, ironically, I had lost my right arm and left leg, just as he had. "Still," Ed continued, letting his auto-mail fall back to his side, "This is nothing. Not compared to what Al lost. He lost his whole body. He can't feel or eat or breathe... he can't even sleep. That's why I have to get his body back. I promised him. He wants to get my arm and leg back, too, although I'm not sure that's even possible. Still..." His eyes met mine hopefully. "If there's a way, we'll find it, and maybe we'll find a way to restore your limbs too." I smiled, unable to remember the last time Ed had opened up to me so much. "Maybe," I agreed, "But getting Al's body back comes first." Ed nodded."Yeah. At least we actually have bodies to feel this pain with." We sat in silence for a long moment, each of trying to understand what it must be like for Al, neither of us quite able to comprehend it. It was my yawn that finally pulled us free of our reveries. "You should get some rest." Ed told me. I flinched and opened my mouth to argue, but he stopped my by gently placing his hand over it. "I know." He murmured, and for the second time that day I was astounded by his intuition. "You're afraid of the nightmares. So was I. To be honest, I still am, but we can't stay awake forever. Get some sleep. I'll be right beside you, and if you start to have a nightmare, I'll wake you." My ice blue eyes searched his gold ones before  finally drifting closed. I was content under the watchful gaze of eyes I trusted; golden eyes like the sun, with the power and warmth to chase away every cold shadow that had ever haunted me. 

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THAT took forever. lol I hadn't realized how lengthy this chapter was when I wrote it but typing brings new perspective. Hope everybody enjoys it. It's almost over; I'm thinking maybe two, three more chapters tops. I hope it doesn't get annoying or anything but even though I hated this chapter (Mostly there were some really good parts) I feel like my final chapter was amazing so just bear with me guys it gets better