Secrets and Dreams

Chapter 10 - Relinquishing Restraints

Sicheng felt the light drizzle on his face, concealing the tears flowing freely down his cheeks. He tried to be brave, vainly. Tried to face Jandi's existence in Taeyong's life. He had known this all along, but why did seeing them together tear his heart apart, shredding it to pieces. It felt like his world has fallen apart. He realized now what he felt for Taeyong was not a simple infatuation. Not even physical attraction. Sicheng has fallen in love and the thought made him sob. He loved Taeyong. In an unbelievably short span of time he found himself fall madly in love with a man who can never be his. Now he knew how heartache felt like.

Walking away from Taeyong just now left his heart in tatters. He didn't want to, but he will never forgive himself if he ruined a relationship this way. He can't lie, he wanted Taeyong to be his but it was impossible. He was kidding nobody but himself. Taeyong had Jandi and he had no place between them. He had no right to love... to Taeyong. He was a fool in believing he had something to hold on to. Friendship? You're a fool Sicheng.

He can survive this heart-wrenching pain, he told himself. He should be strong and endure. But the anguish of losing Taeyong was unbearable, the thought of never seeing him again as before, never feeling his touch, never seeing his smile was too much to bear. His vision suddenly swam before him. A panic attack. He felt a tightening in his chest and couldn't breathe. He doubled over and placed his hands on his knees for support after stopping his ragged movements, gasping for breath.

Sicheng suddenly felt a bony hand clamp around his wrist and drag him towards the entrance of a building's parking area. Leading him inside, away from the light shower. He didn't need to look to find out who it was for he knew how Taeyong's touch felt. He knew it all too well. His heart sank. Sicheng pulled his wrist free Taeyong's grasp and leaned against the nearest pillar for support. He was further weakened by Taeyong's sudden presence. "Go away!"

"Are you trying to kill yourself?" Taeyong's voice seeped with anger and frustration. "You just got better."

"Please, leave me alone Taeyong," Sicheng begged, his voice shaky. "I don't want to see you again."

"I deserve an explanation Sicheng," Taeyong retorted, barely reining in his temper. "You need to tell me why."

"Must there always be an explanation," Sicheng sobbed. Thankful that his wet face concealed his tears. He dared to look at the person before him and noticed Taeyong's eyes were red as if he were crying. Sicheng blinked back his own tears that blurred his vision.

"Yes, I need one."

Sicheng studied Taeyong, slowly taking in his expression that seemed to convey misery. His lips in a tight line, eyes red and misty. He looked deeply hurt. Sicheng's heart skipped a beat. He must be imagining things. "I can't be your friend anymore. I told you."

"That's not enough."

"Why are you so persistent? I already told you! Now leave me alone!" Sicheng motioned to escape but Taeyong grabbed his shoulders and firmly pinned him against the pillar without hurting him.

"Why?" Taeyong asked desperately. "Look at me and tell me why!"

"Because!" Sicheng still avoided his gaze. He needed to get away from this man.

"WHY?!"

Sicheng finally amassed enough courage to look Taeyong squarely in the eye. "Because I... I..."