Secrets and Dreams

Chapter 19 - Conquering Dissension

Sicheng walked down their street as if he were in a trance. Mindless of his surroundings, not even when the light rain shower started seeping through his jacket. His shoulders were hunched and he looked crestfallen. He barely noticed the crisp spring air as Sicheng tread up the paved walkway to their building. It had become a second nature to him being enveloped in a haze of despondency for quite some time now. Since last autumn to be exact. His dark demeanor had stuck all throughout winter. Christmas was the worst. 

Slowly he had become accustomed to the loneliness, of missing Taeyong and not having him by his side. At times, especially at night, he couldn't help but indulge in picking out certain memories of Taeyong and himself. He would relive each one with such clarity and vividness that it ached like a hundred blades slashing at his fragile heart. But he endured. He really had no choice but to accept. 

The school year had finally ended and Sicheng had no idea how he had survived it. Perhaps having his friend Lia around eased his loneliness at times. Perhaps it was her perseverance to make him smile and lend a shoulder to cry on. Sicheng found her friendship comforting and relied on her sense of humor to distract him from his yearning. He found it amusing that despite vehement protestations Lia had set him up last week on a blind date that ended in disaster. At least on his part.

Sicheng found Lia's childhood friend Lucas attractive but too vivacious for his liking. Lucas commanded attention and his voice reverberated throughout the whole restaurant where they had dinner. Sicheng wondered if Lucas had swallowed a megaphone.

Sicheng also did his best not to feel embarrassed by the boy's over-attentiveness. Sicheng purposely plastered a smile on his face. He pretended to like the way Lucas kept touching him and whispering into his ear just to ask if he liked more cocktails or to pass the salt. Anyone would have thought Lucas was his boyfriend. For anybody else a tall and handsome boy such as Lucas who was obviously into him, it would have been a good catch. But not to Sicheng. Especially when they were walking along Han river and Lucas suddenly grabbed him and pressed Sicheng's body close to him in order to kiss him. Sicheng was too stunned to react quickly when he felt Lucas's wet lips practically gobbling up his own. Sicheng's whole being revolted and gave the boy a hard shove. The night ended with an awkward goodnight from Lucas. And for Sicheng, it was a good riddance. He was thankful to see the last of Lucas and that Lia wasn't upset about the whole scenario but instead was immensely amused, teasing him to no end. Much to Sicheng's chagrin.

During the rest of the school year, Sicheng saw Taeyong everywhere, in every corner, on the faces of faceless crowds and even felt his presence on some occasions. But he knew it was just his fanciful thoughts. Taeyong had gone somewhere far from him, he supposed and Sicheng never saw him again after their last discussion at the hospital. He tried  to see him repeatedly but the nurses and even Areum made numerous excuses that Taeyong could not see him. In the end he had given up except for that time Jandi had come to apologize and he found out Taeyong had left. 

Sicheng denied himself any self-pity from that day onward, when it had finally sunk in that Taeyong really disappeared like a thief in the night. He tried going to the Lee's abode when he was discharged from the hospital, but it appeared Taeyong had gone elsewhere with his family. Sicheng realized that when Taeyong said he did not want to see him again, he meant every single word. It was so like him. 

Sicheng entered their home and found his mother, as always, cooking in the kitchen. He gave her a weak smile before he plopped on the couch and dumped his backpack on the rug by his feet. Staring blankly at the black television in front of him, he could see his mother dry wipe her hands on the kitchen towel and headed his way. She sighed and slumped on the sofa beside him. Sicheng slid down and lay his head on his mother's lap.