Secrets and Dreams

Chapter 13 - Candor and Remission

Taeyong lay still in the slightly dimmed room, curled up on one side of the bed staring blankly at nothing in particular. Oblivious to the plain bedroom with minimal furnishings except for the nightstands on each side of the bed, a closet to hang clothes in and a love seat by the window which was now hidden behind the heavy brown fabric curtains. He felt stinging in his eyes after shedding tears while in the shower. He blamed it on the shampoo that trickled down from his head, unwilling to admit to himself he cried woefully from self-pity. Taeyong felt like his heart was being crushed by a sledgehammer. There were no words to describe the unbearable pain which jealousy and betrayal caused. Although he felt that betrayal didn't really seem to befit Sicheng's nature and knowing Sicheng, he would never betray him intentionally the way it appeared to be. But the pain was too great to ignore. So this was how it felt to see the one you loved being kissed by another. It felt horrible. Will he ever come to terms with Sicheng being with someone else if and when they were separated by fate? He never thought of it during the short time Sicheng was his. His. But then there was the thought that Sicheng should never have been his in the first place. He forced himself upon Sicheng, begging him to stay. Sicheng didn't want to be engaged in a relationship with him let alone continue being a friend to begin with. He voiced out this fact vehemently that rainy afternoon that felt like ages ago.

Taeyong was now worried that the foundation he thought he built for his and Sicheng's relationship was slowly crumbling. Like his future. Taeyong found it hard to imagine how bleak it would become without Sicheng in it. But how can he secure a future with Sicheng knowing his past would become a hindrance? Should he consider this as a sign? An omen or a warning that he should let Sicheng go? Was he being selfish in keeping Sicheng? Taeyong grimaced as he felt a pang in his chest at the very thought of losing his love. But reality slowly settled in.

When he took on the responsibility of being a father he knew there was a trace of regret in his decision. However, Jandi was a friend to him. She still was, despite the drastic change in her. Seeing her for the first time when they were in middle school when she was being bullied by three mean popular girls tugged at his pity. She needed help while they were ripping her clothes and pushing her around, her school bag contents decorating the pavement. Taeyong, being the kind person that he was, stepped in to stop it. He started to care for her like he would a stray puppy and took her under his wing. As the months turned to years she started showing something else other than friendship. Taeyong cringed at the remembrance of the first night she came onto him and kissed him, declaring her love for him. He politely and firmly declined whatever she offered and since then things became a tad awkward, making way for drifting apart. But he remained a friend to her, the very reason he still puts up with Jandi's willy ways. Then that fateful night she came to him crying happened. Taeyong sighed. He would rather go back to wallowing in self-pity than recall events that led him to getting hurt for helping so he pushed those thoughts aside.

Taeyong heard the bedroom door open and he stiffened. He closed his eyes, pretending to be asleep. He knew Sicheng stayed behind for an hour and twenty-seven minutes. No, he couldn't help himself from counting. He stopped himself from grimacing despite the fact that Sicheng won't be able to see his face since his back was towards the door. Taeyong's heart was drumming in his chest while he tried to control his ragged breathing. He swallowed hard feeling his nervousness swell inside him. He had no idea how to react to Sicheng and in the same way he did not have any inkling how Sicheng will approach the situation they were currently in. Taeyong knew he appeared cold and indifferent just before he left them. Pondering now, he didn't realize how awful Sicheng must have felt. But it's too late to change his reaction. No, he is upset and hurt and jealous so he will stand firm. Taeyong sighed inwardly. He's gone crazy.