Hold Me (Reddie)

The Things I Remember

"The things are happening again, aren't they?" Richie asked. He could hear Mike sighing on the other side of the phone.

"No offense Tozier, but you're not the first person I've called." Richie understood. Why would he be offended? He didn't care about Mike or Eddie or any of them, he had moved on from them, he had changed. His voices had gotten better and his mind had cleared. It had been a few years since he had wasted his time with drugs, and he was still single as shit. He didn't have much opinion on the matter, most girls he met were boring and had much less personality than he desired. "I've got bad news. Really bad news."

"Worse than the fact that I'm going back there?" Richie laughed, his throat feeling tight. He was trying to distract his thoughts, wasn't he? Something bad is happening and I just want to stop it before it does.

"Richie, you see, I called each of you, except for Bill and Eddie, they're last on my list. Ben was first, and then Stan. I told them what I told you, that we all made a promise and it seems time to keep it. But...Stan must've seen something, that's what I think. I don't know what, but he must've. He slit his wrists right after he hung up the phone."

Richie balanced the phone delicately in his hand, confused as to what Mike was saying. It didn't make any sense, what was going on? Stan? He...he slit his wrists. Was he dead? Was he fucking dead? He broke his promise and killed himself, for some reason? "Mike, I don't understand."

"Stan killed himself, he saw something after the call. He was brilliant, but scared." Mike sounded strangely calm about it all.

"I know he was!" Richie yelled. "Don't worry, I'll come to Maine if that's what you need. It's not like I have much to lose."

————

Richie thought about Stan for a while before he finally started thinking about Eddie, the little boy he regretted walking away from as a teenager. He had gone so long, almost twenty six years without even thinking about the kid that he had broken, and now he was already gone into the guilt, the regret, the pain. Of course Eddie had moved on, he moved on a long time ago, probably only a couple months after Richie left. Eddie probably hadn't cared since 1990, and was now happy with someone else. It was only Richie who was too dumb to move on. He wouldn't have admitted it before but he missed Eddie more than anything, and he regretted it so unbelievably much. Part of him still loved Eddie. Even after all this time. He loved that kid with all his heart, more than he could ever say.

With all the vomiting and crying, Richie had almost forgotten to think about Eddie. But once he did there really wasn't a stop. They had kissed as kids, didn't they? But not like a friendly kiss. It was a loving kiss, because they had loved each other at one point. It was after the summer, wasn't it? Oh god, he had forgotten. He had forgotten it all, except of course for Bill Denbrough, who he kept on his nightstand if he ever needed to read. He wasn't much of a reader, but he somehow indulged himself in that kind of thing. You're running back now, Richie, back. You ran away and now you are running back. It would be the end, wouldn't it? It had to be the end. There couldn't be too much more to Richie, he thought that the voices were all he needed for a very long time.

————

The only thing between Richie and his old pal Eds was Beverly, who was smoking and making delicate conversation with Ben across the room. Mike was in the lobby, waiting for Bill to arrive. It had been quite a while, too long for someone like Richie to be sitting quietly. If he had been in LA in a room full of strangers, he'd be cracking out a voice for a slightly offensive joke. But there was some kind of fear in this room, he knew it. He had to break it, he had to.

"You aged well, Eds, surprised time didn't turn you ugly," Richie said. What was wrong with him? A kid he once loved and he's commenting on his appearance? It was awful! He didn't know what the fuck he was doing.

"I heard you on the radio once," Eddie said softly. "I was driving someone, can't remember who, and he insisted on going to some channel, and there it said something about Rich Tozier and it struck me. For a moment I almost forgot. We were best friends and I almost forgot." Since when was Eddie better at conversations than me?

"I think I once listened to Kinky Briefcase," Ben admitted, and the four of them began laughing out loud.

"Is that a thing, Trashmouth?" Bev asked, handing him a cigarette. She didn't forget much. "Kinky Briefcase?"

It didn't take more than a second for Richie to start. He spoke his usual meaningless joke, same old same old, and somehow he did it well because they all began laughing. Even Eddie. Richie looked over him, his clothes, his aspirator in one pocket and glasses in the other. Why's he got glasses? Who would ever want those?

"I thought we'd all be different," Eddie said.

"Oh, we are, look at Haystack, skinny as a fucking twig!" They all laughed again, including Ben, who almost coughed he laughed so hard.

"You haven't changed, though. You're still Richie. God, the world kept you Richie. The world was good enough to keep you Richie. It's a masterpiece." No, Richie thought, you're the masterpiece.