Hold Me (Reddie)

Forgive and Forget

"What?" Richie asked, as if he didn't understand what it is his friend had said. Eddie thought what he said had been pretty clear, even though he immediately regretted it. He shouldn't have even said anything at all. He should've stayed home, watched some dumb sitcom, and pushed Richie as far out of his mind as possible. Instead he ruined his friendship. Why was he so idiotic?

"I-I'm sorry, Rich. I wrote the letter yesterday." Eddie just wanted to disappear. It was incredible, the way he felt. So fucking stupid.

"Really? I didn't know you were big into practical jokes like that. Nice job, Eds." Richie didn't understand. It was like the worst few moments in Eddie's life. Richie didn't understand. Which gave Eddie the unbearable choice to make. One, he could be honest, tell Richie how he felt, and potentially lose the best friend he's ever had. Or two, he could play along. Maybe it was just a practical joke. He could play along and make sure everything would always be okay. For some reason that seemed even more painful than the other option.

"It wasn't a joke," Eddie burst. "I have a crush on you, Rich."

Richie opened his mouth, like he was going to say something, and then closed it instinctively and shook his head. Eddie just wanted to know what was going through his mind. Was he mad? Confused? Scared? Or did he think it was just so perfect that his friend turned out to be queer. Maybe it was even funny to him. Maybe he'd tell everyone, each and every person in Derry, that Eddie Kaspbrak was a queer! Eddie could barely breathe. He reached for his aspirator once more, but Richie took it from him. "What the fuck, Eddie? Want to explain yourself?"

"N-No, now...give me...the..." Eddie felt his throat closing up again. To his surprise, Richie placed the aspirator in his mouth and pulled the trigger for him. The ick went all the way down his throat. "Thanks."

"Eds, what the fuck?! Tell me what's going on!" Richie was mad. Eddie could feel the anger in Richie's voice. He could also feel something else in the voice, something he couldn't distinguish.

"You can stop talking to me if you want, but don't tell Stan or Bill or Mike. I don't want to be alone." Eddie was rambling, the words were coming out faster than he could even think to make them. He couldn't control what he was saying. Which would've been dangerous if he hadn't already confessed. "I'm sorry, you know? Maybe I thought if I said something things could be better. Maybe I...I don't know. Are you mad? God, or course you are! I just ruined our-"

"Stop," Richie spoke, grasping Eddie's wrists and holding them to his sides. "I'm not mad. I'm shocked, and I'm concerned, but I'm not mad. And Bill owes me five bucks now."

"What?"

"We made a bet last May, about the four of us. He thought Stan was probably gay. And I bet five dollars on you. So thanks, now I get five bucks!"

Eddie couldn't help but smile, but then his smile lingered and fell when he thought more and more. He just shared  possibly the most difficult information he has ever shared with anyone, and Richie laughed it off like it was nothing. "That's it? I tell you I'm a queer and I have a crush on you and all you care about is your five bucks?"

"What did you expect? Did you want me to grab a gun and shoot your ass down? I am not mad, Eddie. How could I ever be mad at someone as adorable as you?" Richie laughed sharply.

"Stop that."

"I'm sorry," Richie said quickly. "Wait, no I'm not! I have no reason to be sorry. My mistake." He reached his hand over and pinched Eddie's cheek, then started once more with an old granny voice. "Don't ya know Edward that your granny loves you very dearly? Granny loves you, Edward."

Eddie couldn't help but laugh. "How can you be so calm and casual all the time, Rich?"

"I'm not Rich, I'm your grandmother Edward."

"Richie you know my grandmother died last year, you went to her funeral with me. Remember that? We snuck outside during the ceremony and played in the snow, and you smoked while I scolded you, and then we snuck back in but by then it was over?" Eddie wanted to go back. It was amazing. He had been down because of the death, but Richie was there for him, just because, and that was that.

"It helps, you know," Richie said. "The voices, I mean. The jokes, too. Somehow pretending I'm okay makes me okay. I thought you knew that."

"Damn."

They sat next to each other on the window sill, and let the record continue to spin as they carried on the conversation. Eddie couldn't help but smile. Richie wasn't mad. He was okay with Eddie being gay. It was surprising to say the least. "It was brave of you to tell me," Richie said, breaking the silence. "Really brave. Can I ask you a question?"

"Swing away."

"How did you know?" Richie's voice quivered a little bit. His eyes were filling a tiny bit with tears, just a tiny bit, but enough to scare Eddie. "What made you know that...you were...you know...a queer and all?"

Eddie felt uncomfortable speaking about it, but Richie's face had become melancholy and forlorn, and Eds knew he had to answer. "It was you. Some time ago, really. Before what happened in the summer, before all that. I used to just look at you, you know? And want to be with you, all the time, and look up to you. I thought for a long time I wanted to be like you. But then I heard more and more, on the TV and such about homosexuality and what's happening, and so I knew that's what was my deal. I was gay."

"And you're more than a virgin," Richie laughed louder this time. "No wonder you've never kissed anyone, never slow danced. You didn't have anyone to do it with."

"Obviously," Eddie agreed.

"But now you do."