Am I Going Crazy

(15) "Us"

❧Jonathan

Five days. I hadn't seen him in five days.

Five. Fucking. Days.

Five days, and two black eyes on either side. Word must've spread that Corey wasn't here to protect me.

I sat against the bed, my heart pounding. What if he left me? My heart tried rejecting the thought. Corey wouldn't leave me, right? Just because he doesn't love me doesn't mean he doesn't cares about me.

Even though I knew he wouldn't be here, I still stared at the door, waiting for him to barge in abruptly like he normally does. But he didn't.

These past five days have been complete hell. My nightmares and violent behavior are slowly coming back, Sid and his asshole friends were ganging up on me...and all the while, Corey was no where to be found.

I wanted to ask the councelers where he was, but I was too afraid to approach them. None of them really liked me, especially Mr. Crahan.

After a few more minutes of pondering, I pulled out the notebook Corey gave me a while back, and flipped open a new page. Lately I've been writing down lyrics about how I feel. And I'm pretty damn proud of a few of them.

Yesterday, when Sid gave me another black eye, I was escorted back to my room. And while I sat there fuming, I somehow managed to write about my anger. I guess I should give Sid credit. I wouldn't have made such a cool song if it wasn't for him. The song I wrote is called Faget. I don't really know what sparked me to spell it wrong. It just kinda ended up that way.

Whatever, I'm proud of it. I'll probably never show it to anyone. But I'll still have that sense of pride that I made something out of my pain and anger.

That made me sit and ponder even more. What if I start a band? Me and this kid Head (I don't know his real name) have been hanging out some. Maybe he'd wanna join. The idea was pointless, I know. But since Corey was neglecting me I might as well do something somewhat productive.

Speaking of Corey...

My pencil found its way onto the page, where I began to write vigorously. I wrote down how I felt about Corey, and how helpless he made me feel when he wasn't around. I wrote about how disgusting our feelings for eachother were, and how despite that, we still chance it.

I love Corey. Do I regret telling him that? Yes. Was I just saying it in the heat of the moment? No.

Corey is the only person who's ever truly given a shit about me since the day I was fucking born.

Worry hit me then. Was he gone because I told him that I love him? No, that couldn't be. After our ahem...moment he and I showered and did a couple of more...naughty things.

Truth be told, I slept like a baby that night.

Fuck, I miss him so much. I know it's unhealthy to rely on someone else for happiness, but I can't help it. Corey makes me happy. While I still hate myself, he taught me how to appreciate life a little more.

Heh...Life. Seemed pretty pointless without Corey around.

I continued writing down some lyrics, even harsher than before. I wasn't angry at Corey, I was more mad at myself, which made me feel even more drained. 

Soon enough, my song was finished. I decided to name it Need To. I wasn't as proud as the other one though. Because this one made me realize how clingy I really was towards Corey.

Whatever, it's not like I can fix my behavior towards him, because he probably left me for good. 

Just then, I heard the door click, and I immedietly sat up. No one ever walked into without knocking, especially Corey. So when my eyes met a soft pair of ocean-blue ones, my heart stopped.

There he was, leaning his broad body against the frame of the door. He looked...worn and ragged. It was evident that he hadn't shaved since last week, and he wasn't wearing a button-up today, just a regular, loose t-shirt.

Something wasn't right here.

"Corey." I breathed, and before he could answer, I was already in his arms.

His response to my embrace was not one I was hoping for.

He froze against my grasp, his arms unmoving as I buried my head against the crook of his neck.

Seconds later, Corey's arms loosely wound their way around my waist.

Something was wrong.

"I missed you so much." I whispered, but he didn't respond.

All too soon, Corey was pulling away from me, and his pained expression only broadened when he saw my back eyes.

"Fuck." He whispered, running a hand through his hair, "This is all my fault."

I felt my eyebrows raise. "What is?"

"This!" He motioned towards my face, and then towards himself, "All of this! I'm the reason why this is happening to you!"

"No...it's..."

He looked at me then, those piercing eyes glaring into mine, and my words faded into nothing.

I don't know how long it was before he spoke. It felt like hours, but I knew it wasn't. I didn't know how to respond to him at that moment. It was obvious that he was conflicted, so I stayed silent.

I don't like it when Corey gets mad at me. I know he'd never hurt me, but his anger still scares me. But I guess him hitting me once or twice wouldn't be as bad as leaving me all together. But I know he'd never do that either.

Then it hit me.

"This can't continue any longer Jon."

My stomach completely dropped.

"Wh-what..?"

Corey mumbled another curse word under his breath. "It's over Jonathan, I'm sorry."

The entire world stopped spinning.